Right Brain, Left Brain

Okay, weird title for a blog post, but it has something to do with both writing and bipolar disorder. I was reading a book called "Write. 10 ways to overcome writer's block. Period." At the time I bought it, it sounded good. I remember setting it aside and thinking, "This is useless." I picked it up again tonight and realized why it was useless for someone like me.

Basically, it covers the fact that the right and left sides of the brain are completely different and influence different parts of our creative life. However, for someone with bipolar disorder, it doesn't work. Why? Because it doesn't take into account any kind of mental illness.

Flash back time! Of course, if you're bipolar, you have been your entire life. Psychologists have this eerie way of telling you what your life was like when you were in school. That particular doctor freaked me out so much I didn't go back to see her again. But I came to realize something this evening. While in school, I was fairly logical. Almost too logical for my own good. I realized it was my left brain trying to step in and help my right brain. The right side of our brains control our emotions. As those of us with bipolar disorder know, that side of our brain is completely haywire and out of control. So, when we're younger, our left sides of our brain step in and try to overcompensate. But when the illness fully manifests itself, the right side of our brain wins and that's the end of that.

However, I've always felt like I've had two very different voices in my head. And no, I'm not completely crazy here. I've come to realize it's my emotional side and my logical side "talking" to each other. The emotional side gets out of control and the logical side steps in to do damage control. I can see it happening in my journal entries right now. Of course I can't share one as they're incredibly personal at the moment. But I can see the emotional side of my mind is scared to death and is trying to hide and back away from something I need to do. Then, near the end of every entry, I can actually see the logical side of my mind step in and try to soothe the emotional side of my mind. In a way, it's kind of creepy.

This all goes back to why I believe bipolar people are more creative. That "bridge" between the hemispheres in the normal mind doesn't work like a two-way street. However, while we're growing up, that bridge literally does become a two-way street for those of us with bipolar disorder. It's necessary to keep us under control for as long as possible.

Another interesting tidbit is this. I'm practically ambidextrous. Not by nature, but by training. It started with typing, then progressed more through quilting and knitting. The final straw was my dominant right hand being put into a cast twice within the span of a year. I had no choice but to learn to use my left hand better to accomplish anything. In the process, I widened the bridge connecting the left and right side of my brain. So, when I tried the exercises in the book (she has you switch hands to answer various questions), I was getting the same answers. The left side and the right side of my brain communicate too much for her suggestions to work.

In its own way, that was enlightening. It explained why I'm having such a hard time writing at the moment. I suffered a fairly severe emotional trauma about 3 years ago. Since then, everything went wonky. That's the only way I can describe it. But now I know I can get the logical side of my brain to boost the emotional side to get it through this. I may never recover my writing style I had before that event, but I can sure take a good run at it and see what I have become during that time.

I know that waking up every morning is a challenge. There's that realization the day's battle is just beginning. At the end of the day, go to bed feeling grateful you made it through. We all have our problems and the things we're suffering through. But sometimes it's good to stop and take stock of what we have gained having this illness and do our best to not focus on what it has taken away. We are each different and unique, but we do have that bridge in our minds that allows both sides of the mind to talk to each other in ways others can only dream about. So embrace that knowledge and make the best of it.

Sanity Check

Tonight, our family watched "When the Game Stands Tall." It's a great movie if you don't mind Christian themes. We're a Christian family, so we quite enjoyed it. In there, there was a scene regarding wounded warriors. One soldier said, "If they could put me back together, I'd go back today." When one of the football players asked why, because it had done nothing but get him hurt, he replied it wasn't about that. It was all about your buddy standing next to you. He wanted to be back with his buddies helping them fight the battle.

Shortly after that, I realized my husband wasn't going to leave the military until they booted him out. His training makes it so he could easily find work in a civilian field, even in this depressed job market, so it's not just about providing for our family. He loves being part of the military and I have to respect that.

With that realization came the knowledge that I will have to find something to do with myself. I will stand beside him and support him in any way I can, but I have to have something for myself as well. He's gone a lot. That's just the way of life for military families.

I'm going to work harder at kicking my procrastination tendencies to the curb and start writing every single day. I need something to rescue me from the military life. It's a rough one and not to be taken lightly. It's hard on the soldiers and the families they leave behind every time they leave to go perform their duties.

It's tough to realize my life runs parallel with my husband's. As much as I wish they moved together like a normal marriage, they don't. I'm not even sure they can. It's time to work through my recent laziness (or has it been confusion or apathy) and put together a schedule for myself and my boys. Aw, geez. What a life. Dedication and hard work. In the end, it can take you just about anywhere. Hopefully I'll get it worked out soon and all will be well.

Dreams, Goals and Writer's Block

I realized I was going to aim this at people with bipolar disorder, but come on! It's named "The Chaotic Mind" for a reason. LOL

I've been working on a novel out on Wattpad and I'm putting it up a chapter at a time. Yesterday, I had a friend "sit with me" via Facebook chat and tell me exactly what he thought of the book and where it was derailing. I LOVE friends like that. He does it in the sweetest way but gets in my face and says exactly what he thinks. Perhaps I'm developing a thicker skin. Or maybe it's because I knew it was going wonky and I couldn't figure out how, what, where and he pinpointed it for me. Either way! It worked.What is interesting is what that conversation sparked.

I started writing short stories and the like starting in 5th grade. I wrote all the time and I was always swamped with ideas. I still remember the last thing I wrote. I was 19 and had submitted a short story to my Science Fiction teacher based loosely off Neal Stephenson's "Snow Crash." I still remember that glowing feeling I had when I got the story back with an A- on it. My teacher was a published author, so that was huge. I would have gotten a better grade, but I did it in my usual fashion and wrote it the night before it was due. Yeah. For some reason, that always leads to crappy endings. LOL You can tell how huge that was for me. I still remember it down to the last detail and it's almost 20 years later. It was at that point I realized I might be able to have my dream of becoming a published author. Then something happened....

I don't even know WHAT happened. Around that time, I left school and started working full time. I eventually got married and had my first child. Got a divorce. Worked some more, got remarried. I had two more children...  Yeah, most people would say "life happened." However, is that a cop out?

I look back on those years I wrote without barely having to think about it and now I feel like there's a door slammed across that region of my mind where creativity resides. Well, story creativity anyway. I can still quilt and knit like no one's business. However, the work of getting a story idea out is difficult. Difficult doesn't even begin to sum it up. For the past 13 years, I've been using other people's ideas. Usually they're abandoned plot bunnies that someone else couldn't get to work or were given to me with the person's blessing.

If you're still with me in this long-drawn out story, I'll tell you what I learned yesterday. Life didn't happen. Writer's block happened. However, it wasn't your usual writer's block where you do everything in your power to keep from writing. Nope. I looked at the failures in the rest of my life and figured it would happen to my writing as well, so what's the point? BLAM! Your worst case scenario ever for writer's block. I shut the door on my writing creativity. Now, it's time to break that block and get going again.

Yesterday, I was out on the Writer's Digest website. I ended up in their store looking around. I was looking for writing prompts. I needed little ideas to help me focus on short stories and move on from there. Time to find out who I became in the last 3 years because I had serious upheaval in my life. It changed who I was and it changed my writing style. While I was browsing, I came across their sale on the "Creative Idea Kit." It's a set of books, webinars and writing prompts all designed to help you regain your creative side. Perfect! There's only one way to break through writer's block, and that is to write every single day. Whether you feel like it or not, WRITE! In my case, I take that to mean creative writing, not journaling or blogging. That's easy. No, I need the creative side, the side that makes me stretch my imagination and see all the possibilities.

I've pulled my first prompt and I'm excited to try this. Now to wait for my head to clear from the fogginess I always endure every morning from my meds. Then watch out. ;-)

Bipolar Disorder and Creativity

For ages, I thought I was supposed to try and use this blog to say something witty about writing. It wasn't until about 10 minutes ago I realized that wasn't what it was for at all. It was to reach out to others with bipolar disorder. Which is a good thing because I know next to nothing about writing, except I'm naturally good at it, and a lot about bipolar disorder.

My credentials? I was diagnosed when I was 18. Since then, I have faced the struggles, the denial, and the pain of watching a young child diagnosed with early-stage bipolar disorder. I have written numerous papers on this illness for college, all in an attempt to understand what is happening to me. After 20 years of struggling with this disorder, I feel I have the 'right' to say a few things about it.

Today, however, we're going to look at the correlation of bipolar disorder and creativity. Keep in mind these are all random connections I've made on my own through non-scientific research and observation.

Through my life, I've met a lot of people with bipolar disorder. We're a quiet group and rarely like to speak about it. So, it has become a disorder that affects millions of people and little is known about it. It's tough on our loved ones and those near us. Our mood swings affect everything around us and especially what we do. What I have found interesting is bipolar people tend to be some of the most creative people I've ever met. Depending on the severity of the illness, the creativity levels seem to wax and wane.

Those with a low level of disability (able to control it without medication), seem to be slightly creative. A single outlet of creativity is all they need. One lady I met was happy with beading now and then. She was also a hair stylist, so I'm guessing that's where she poured out most of her creativity. She certainly was excellent at what she did.

As the level of the disorder increases, so does the need to create. Some of the most brilliant composers, painters, and writers in our history have since been diagnosed posthumously with bipolar disorder. Greats such as Beethoven, Edgar Allan Poe, and Vincent Van Gogh. Their battles with drinking and drug use are well-known in history. However, we know now many bipolar people will attempt to medicate themselves in such ways. I met another girl, in a psych ward, who was bipolar. She gloated how she never took her meds but preferred alcohol to try and keep it under control.

"How does this work?" you might ask. I haven't the slightest idea. We do know that bipolar disorder is caused by our neurons releasing chemicals and then turning around and taking them back. The chemical never crosses the gap to the synapses waiting for them. That is what the medication is trying to fix. It stops those neurons from taking back the chemicals. I believe, somewhere in the wiring of our brain, we have an exceptional gift. Somehow, our right and left hemispheres of our minds are connected in a way other "normal" brains are not. We have access to the creative side we can tap into. Heck, many of us are driven to do it.

My drive to create takes on many shapes. I write, knit, quilt, draw, paint, play music... Anything it takes to soothe the desire to create I have driving me at that moment. And it is a drive. I will forget my housework, laundry, anything and everything to create. I set alarms so I don't forget the super important things, like picking up my children from school.

Bipolar disorder is a difficult one to deal with. From the medications we have to take every day to even function in society, to trying to curb impulses we know to be bad for us. However, that drive to create is an incredible one. It's one that needs to be embraced and acted upon. It helps and fulfills us like nothing else can. It's a safe way to express yourself and soothe a part of us no one can ever understand.

Many of you may already know what you enjoy doing the most. It's what you sneak time into your day to do already. But don't hide what you do. Embrace it and push yourself further than you ever thought  possible. For once, use this illness to propel you to do great things instead of letting it hold you to the ground.

Creativity is a grand thing. Don't let this gift you've been given slip through your fingers.  Bipolar disorder is difficult to live with. It limits us in so many ways, no matter how hard we try to fight it. So this one little gift is a beautiful thing. Grab a hold and run with it.

There's writing and then there's writing

There are days when all you can do is think about writing and then there are days all you can do is actually write. My mind refused to turn off the book yesterday and my hand went merrily along for the ride. I did end up having to ice my wrist mid-way through and take a 3 hour break, but that didn't stop me. I wrote another 2 pages (one side of a hand written page = 1 page) before I finally managed to get myself to bed.

I am super excited by that. What does it sound like? I have no clue. I haven't even taken the time yet to go back and read it and probably won't until that chapter is finished and ready to be typed into the computer. I don't want to let out my internal editor quite yet. I don't want to face those nasty words that come flowing out. Things like, "Well, this wording stinks." "What the heck were you thinking here?!" "This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever." Then the pen starts flying and hacking and slashing at all the beautiful words and killing them. When the editor comes out to play, the creator runs to hide.

That is what NaNo taught me in 2009. Lock up that internal editor until later. For now, let your creative side out to play and let it have fun! Enjoy the process of getting the words out on the paper and go with it. I'm not playing by strict NaNo 'rules' this year. My editor does come out sometimes and whispers, "That's not the right word, wouldn't this one be better?" Usually my creative side will snag it, yell "Thanks" over its shoulder and keep dashing along. In my opinion, this is what the writing process should be.

I do wish it was always that easy. The thoughts would just flow and not stop, my hand struggling to stay caught up as it dashes along. One beautiful word after another written across the page. Unfortunately, I know it's not. There will be days where my mind will sit in the corner and pout. Days where it will be agonizing to write even a single word.

I will learn. I will be disciplined. Yesterday was an amazing gift of pure creativity. I will embrace that gift and run with it. Even when the words don't want to come, those first 12 pages will serve as a reminder that it comes and goes. Power through the day they don't want to come because tomorrow is another day and the words might write themselves.

Today, it's Thanksgiving here in the U.S. I'm already planning some writing time along with making a traditional meal for my family. I'm fairly certain it can be done. :-)

(And if nothing here made sense, I apologize. I had two boys running through the house the entire time I was writing this. Talk about making life difficult!)

Promises and Writing

Okay. So, the first chapter didn't actually get posted this weekend. I was working on it yesterday and re-read it and realized something horrible. It was DEAD. It was BORING. Keep in mind I have part of a rough draft over on my shelf that has me thinking, "Wow! I wrote that?! I love it!" THAT is what I'm trying to recapture.

After thinking about it for awhile, and lamenting about my sucky writing on Facebook, I realized something important. Whenever I leave writing behind for awhile, and not blog posts or anything like that, but fictional writing, I lose my voice. I honestly forget how I write and how I want it to sound and what makes it mine. I pondered it for awhile, pictured the first chapter in my head and how I wanted the first part to be captured and started the rewrite (for the third time) last night. I sure hope it's getting out on paper the way I'm seeing it in my head.

I was going to abandon the handwriting model I've used for so long in order to get a freer thought process going on that I can get with typing, but decided I'd just end up with more ick that way. However, escaping the internet that sits right next to me, lurking in a black box I call my computer, is rough. It takes a lot of will power to stay away from it.

I'm sitting here pondering how to fit in writing with all of my other duties. You know, fun stuff like laundry, keeping the house clean, feeding kids and the like. One day, I'll figure this out. It's always been a struggle for me to balance that out with whatever 'hobby' I'm doing at the time. I can tell you now though, writing is a much more involved process than the other things I do. With quilting, knitting, or crochet, I can easily watch a show or movie or listen to music without any problems. With writing, I have to listen to a very specific type of music and have to block most other background noise out.

Yes, writing is probably the most difficult thing I do, especially now. I have bipolar disorder and it went wonky within the past few years. That meant a year-long struggle with my doctor to find the right medication to balance me back out. Unfortunately, that new medication also hampers concentration and the ability to find the right word. Until this year, I'd put away my writing. I haven't touched it, thought about it much, nothing.  Only, I felt the presence of God telling me to write. That's all, just write. It is my strongest skill of all my 'creation' skills. So after hem-hawing my way to now, I've only poked at it and talked about it. In a way, I'm still doing that. I'm still afraid of my pen and paper. I'm scared I have no unique ideas. Everything I have up in the air right now are ideas given to me by other people. I'm using them with their blessing, of course! I'd never steal someone else's idea without permission.

Right about now is when I start getting nostalgic and think back to when I was a kid. I had SO many stories floating in my head all the time. I did up until I was 18 or 19 anyway. About the time I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Weird, I never drew that connection before. At the same time I had to go on medication to help keep me balanced, the creative door in my head slammed shut. Or at least closed to the merest gap.

However, that means ... I was going to say nothing, but that's not true. It means a lot. It means, to succeed with this, I will have to try harder. There's a barrier there I will have to work to cross. My ideas may never be more than the trickle they are right now, but I will find a way to work with that and keep going. Going off my medication isn't an option, so another path has to be found and forged. I have a feeling this is about to become a rather frustrating and tiring experience. But there's no better time than now to get started, right?

Actually Writing This Time

I read my last blog post and had to laugh. I remember that day quite well because that's exactly how it went. Since then, we moved half way across the country and NaNoWriMo started. That's National Novel Writing Month where people attempt to write 50,000 words in a single month. I've tried it several times, but only won once. However, when other people are talking about writing, it always triggers my desire to write again. Always.  Only, this time, I decided NOT to do NaNo, but just write on whatever I felt like without the pressure of the 50K winning mark. I figured any words I got onto paper was a win. Besides, we'd just moved and I had 3 kids to get into school, 2 to be tested, 1 to start getting to an orthodontist which lead to an oral surgeon and.... Yeah. Life is hectic and I just didn't want the stress of NaNo added to it.

Somewhere in the world of NaNo posts on my Facebook page, someone mentioned Wattpad. Look it up. It's awesome! I decided to take the plunge and post a serial myself. It's called The Dark Rider. So far, I only have the prologue up because I realized I had literally edited the first chapter to death back when I started it in 2008. That's why winning NaNo in 2009 was such a big deal. I could NOT get past 2 pages in a new story without killing it with edits. I have since learned that you just WRITE. You edit later. But get the idea out now. The complete idea. Anyway! I have since been struggling with writing the first chapter to get it ready to be posted. Unfortunately, the above life got in the way.

To make things more exciting, we were informed one of our kids basically tested out of their school system. Keep in mind he's only 11 at the moment. I knew he was bored, but wow. So we're now working out what to do with "genius boy." We'll get there. For now, I'm back in my chair and writing. Okay, I'm blogging at the moment, but I'll get back to writing.

You see, when I write a book, I write by hand. That might be insane considering I type upwards of 80+ wpm, but what the heck? All that allows me to do is put more junk down faster. When I write by hand, I have to streamline my thought process and make sure each word is right when I put it down. I end up having to edit way less later. That's always a good thing. :-)

I had written a full page, front and back, when my youngest decided to pitch a fit over his turn on the Xbox, I think. All I know is it broke my train of concentration. I'll get it back though. I'm bound and determined to post that 1st chapter this weekend. I WILL do it!

What You REALLY do when You Sit Down to Write

You have everything you need before you. Your pen and paper and a possible beginning to your book. But here's what really happens when you go to write:

1. Think about that beginning and decide to rewrite it.
2. Start to rewrite it and realize it's not going well. Throw up your hands and spin around in your chair.
3. Realize the foreshadowing might not even be needed because you're not sure if this draft of your book will even end that way.
4. Grab every pen you have nearby that you think you like and start testing them out by rewriting the same poorly written sentence of the foreshadowing scene over and over, each with a different pen. Realize you like the way one pen writes better, but like the feel of the barrel of another better. Ponder if you can trade out the ink but realize an ink cartridge from a capped pen wouldn't work in a clicky pen.
5. Wonder if the pen you passed up in the store because it was too expensive wouldn't be the greatest pen ever and try to come up with a good reason to go get it just to try it out against your other pens.
6. Go get snacks and a drink and sit back down. Think some more.
7. Come up with a possible starting sentence.
8. Check Facebook because someone might have posted something neat.
9. Look back at your writing and turn around again.
10. Ponder that sentence you came up with and wonder if it's good enough to be a starting sentence.
11. Check another website to see if anyone has commented on a photo you posted. They haven't.
12. Check Facebook again because someone might have posted something important. Nope.
13. Stare at the two pens you have in a face off and think about the pen you didn't buy. Ponder the idea of being able to just buy ink cartridges for the pen if it needs new ink and consider the pen some more.
14. Text your mom back after she finally gets back to you after an hour.
15. Get ready to write.
16. She texts again. You respond.
17. Realize it's dinner time and you get up to go heat up the oven.
18. Think it would be funny to blog about the real writing process.
19. Oven beeps and you realize now you actually have to fix dinner.
20. Realize you forgot that great starting sentence because you never wrote it down.

And that, is actually how you write. :-)  Okay, I'll admit it's not a great way to write, but hey! It's certainly a great way to procrastinate while thinking about writing the entire time.

I Am A Writer

I have a secret to share with you. I am a writer. Crazy thing about that, I probably wouldn't have said that at any other time in my life when I was writing. Why not? Because of fear. How could I possibly be considered a writer if I have nothing published? How can I be called a writer when I don't even have a book finished and being considered for publication? But you know what? None of that matters.

Here's what happened. I decided to dust off my one and only finished book that was sitting in first draft status on my shelf. It was time to bring it out, sit down with it, and brainstorm every problem area it had. Mind you, I had lots of people telling me it was great, etc. In my little world, it wasn't. I have another partially finished book (story of my life, everything's partially finished) on my shelf that when I read what I have, all I can think is, "Wow. I wrote that? It's amazing. What happens next?" That's what I want to do with my first book. I want it up to that level as well.

Anyway, I was having one of those random conversations in my head. We all do this, so you can't look at me like I'm crazy. But say you're doing something somewhere and someone comes up to you asks you what you do. My husband can say he's a soldier. My brothers can say they're CEOs. Me? I can say, "I'm a writer."  Then, this mythical person in my head asks, "Have you published anything?"  And I heard myself reply, "Not yet."

And with that little word, 'yet', came another breakthrough.  One of my greatest fears of writing has been what do I do with a manuscript when it's finished? Do I face the fear of rejection letter after rejection letter in the hopes someone might like it and want to publish it?  In the past, that would stop me from even writing. I didn't want to face that fear, or even the thought of that fear. But yesterday... Yesterday was magical. Yesterday I realized I WOULD face that fear. I WOULD face the rejection slips. If I get turned down everywhere, fine. I can always self-publish and my work will still get out there. Would I rather see a big publishing house take it on? Of course I would. But that's not the only option out there anymore.

Just two little sentences and decisions changed my life. Odd little sentences.
1) I'm a writer.
2) I'm not published yet, but I will be.

The doors in my mind opened up and ideas came pouring out on how to fix my book. I can barely keep up with them as I consider them and write them down. Mainly, they're questions. Ones I need to study and address to bring forth the answers that will fix the original book. I'm full of writing energy I haven't experienced in years. As I ponder each question and begin to answer them, I can feel life entering this book that wasn't there before. I'm excited to see where it takes me.

Decluttering

I will be the first to admit I'm horrible when it comes to clutter. I let it build and build and build until I want to rip my hair out and scream. I go into a cleaning frenzy to get it clean and organized and within a week, you can't tell I did anything. It's time to realize that this will take a lifestyle change for the entire family if we want a clean and organized home. Lucky (unlucky) for us, we're about to make a major move from Texas to California. It's the perfect time to clear out as much as possible so we don't take it with us and start over. The worst thing about this is we have 1.5 months to achieve our goal.  Well, my goal. While I wish we could get our house down to about 50% of the things we own, even I have to admit that's not feasible. But maybe we can clear out 25% of it.

When faced with the idea of decluttering our house, I'll admit I'm overwhelmed. I look around and see everything we own and just want to sit down and knit while watching TV. That's a lot easier. I also have to take into account the fact I'm permanently injured. I have to do everything in tiny steps so I don't hurt myself. But with everyone else either at school or at work, most of this work is going to fall to me. I need to put a plan into place I can stick with.

I'm thinking of using the time honored "timer" method. You set a timer for a specific amount of time and work until it goes off. Then you put everything away, throw out the trash, etc. If I can do that 2 or 3 times a day, I think I'd see some good progress.

This time, I'm going to start in a hidden corner. A place I can go back to day after day and look at it when I'm feeling discouraged. I'm going to start in a linen closet. It's upstairs and no one really goes in there much. We pull out clean towels now and then, and replace sheets, but that's it. I think the cat spends more time in that closet than we do. Unlike some people, we don't throw things in there when people come over. No, those are our regular closets. The linen closet is already too full of well... linens. Now that I think about it, we almost never use most of our linens, either. It's time to get rid of a lot of things in there. Old pillowcases, sheets, cleaning supplies we haven't touched since we moved here 5 years ago. Stupid to hang on to them and drag them to another state. After awhile, they'll be as well-traveled as we are.

So, now that I've wasted some time blogging about it, it's time to actually go do it. And thank goodness for a tip I just read online to help save your lower back while tackling the linen closet. Put a folding surface near you while you work. Just a simple little idea that means so much to me.

Okay. Give me a trash bag and a folding table. I'm off.

I am Disabled

That is such a horrible thing to have to say. I'm only 38 and to realize I can legally claim disability from social security hurts. I don't want to admit I can't do what others can. What makes it more difficult is you can't see my disabilities. I look like a perfectly normal, healthy person. I'm not overweight and my disabilities don't show up in a physical manner.

First off, I have bipolar disorder. That one is such a fun one (dripping sarcasm there). Technically, I became disabled at the young age of 18. I just never acknowledged it until now. How's that for delusional? Twenty years later, I finally realize I haven't been able to work for years. It's obvious if you look at my spotty work history. I could only work outside of my home for a year before I had to return home to recharge. But that didn't stop me from heading right back out and looking for another job when I'd "recharged." I figured finding the right job would be all it took. Guess what? It doesn't work that way. So I hid behind being a stay-at-home-mom and I've been happy for a long time. Unfortunately, I am on new medication that effects how I think and how I remember stuff. In other words, I don't think as well and I can't remember diddly. I can tell you that makes it difficult to learn new things. I've stopped knitting more complicated lace patterns as they've begun to confuse me. It was hard to give that up because I love lace. The ability to create it is amazing. But there are plenty of other patterns out there I can do, so I can still keep knitting and that's all that matters.

My second disability is degenerative disc disorder. It's also known as a "disease." There's no stopping it once it gets going. A disc in my back is plain flat breaking down. It's to the point now that it could be diagnosed via x-ray. Usually, it requires much more detailed imaging to diagnose, like an MRI. I've probably had this problem for years and never really knew it. I just labeled it a "bad back" and called it good. I've spent months in physical therapy and I'm getting ready to go back. If I want to keep surgery at bay, I'll probably be in therapy until the disc finishes degenerating. Thank the dear Lord for my husband's excellent insurance policy.

I don't know. It just hit me real hard tonight that I'm disabled and there's nothing I can do about it. After doing my best for years, I have to admit I am not like everyone else and I can't do everything everyone else can do. It's just not possible. I'll admit I've entered a grieving process. However, I've always held on to one important thing. Every night, before going to bed, I think to myself, "Tomorrow is a new day and it can be better. You made it through today and that's what counts." I haven't sunk into drug use (well, minus smoking), and I don't drink alcohol. I figured I had enough problems and didn't need to add anything else to the list. Life is already hard enough, thank you very much.

I also have a few other health problems that came to a head recently. IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not a darn thing you can do about it. It's controlled by diet and attempt to reduce stress. Oh, the irony of that one. I am raising three boys and I'm an Army wife. In other words, major stress. Currently, I'm working on changing my diet once again. I removed dairy about 2 years ago and I started feeling better. However, it's time to remove gluten as well. In other words, anything that contains wheat. Needless to say, I've made an appointment with a nutritionist to help me with this step. It's getting drastic now and I need to make sure I'm getting enough nutrients.

I guess everything hitting all at once pushed me over the edge into depression. But reading a few stories of how others have learned to cope with a disability really helped me. So I figured I'd go ahead and share my journey as well. Perhaps it will help someone in the future who's also having a hard time.

All the stories I read agreed on one thing. Grieve, but don't dwell on the past. Start looking towards the future and make plans on how to make the best of what you can do. At the moment, that's nothing for me. I "threw out" my back the other night and I'm on muscle relaxants and pain killers. But I'm looking forward to being able to help my husband take the dogs for a walk in the evenings again. It was only around the block, but it was definitely something I could do. I can't wait to do it again.

To write again...

Several years back, during my husband's first deployment to Afghanistan, I got sick. Labeling it as "sick" is such a weak word. I had 4 things go wrong all at once, with a huge fifth one hitting after my husband returned home. Before that time, I used to knit intricate lace shawls and wrote stories that had people begging to know what would happen next. Ever since that time, I've stopped. No more lace shawls. I'll still knit shawls with a touch of lace, but no more delicate creations that have people afraid to touch them. No more stories. I couldn't find the right words to string together any more.

I sat down last night and tried to analyze WHY this all happened. I blamed it on new medication. One of its side effects is it can stop you from finding the right word. How weird is that? However, it works so well otherwise, the doctor and I agreed it was worth the three main side effects I was having (word choice, some concentration, and insomnia) to remain on it. However, as I adapt to the side effects, I'm still not writing. Not like I used to. Even now, as I work on this simple little blog post, my leg is shaking with nervousness. Maybe it's just the fact I had too much caffeine. Over the years, I've weaned myself off of it. It helps with one of the problems I was having previously.

However, in looking at the problem real close last night, facing the dragon so to speak, I realized the only reason was completely irrational. I'm afraid if I go back to what I was doing, and put them back in that particular combination, my illnesses will return. That horrible 'fifth thing' will return. I realize I'm not going into detail on what the illnesses were, but that's okay. Sometimes there's no real need. Just know it caused family to come and stay with the kids and me until my husband returned home. I lost a year, literally, to anti-anxiety meds that eventually stripped me of all emotion until I grabbed that bull by the horns and took myself off them a day at a time. It took 2 months of hell to get those all the way out of my system.

Another year has passed since that time and I'm just now starting to put words back on paper. Only journal entries, but it's way more than I was doing before. Words that finally veer away from how I'm feeling to other ideas. The start to a book I've been wanting to re-write for years finally came into my head and I believe I have a viable idea. One that could take that book from, "It's okay," to "Wow! That's great!"

Somehow, someway, I'm healing. Maybe the Lord is helping me put my irrational fears to rest. Or maybe He's helping me face them. I still have no urge to return to knitting the intricate lace shawls. Maybe it's because I have so many I want to make that aren't that way. I don't know. But I do know I want to grab on to the urge to write and run with it. I want to make that a big part of my life again.

Words have power. Never forget that for a moment. And when put in the right order, they can be amazing. I want that back. Time to face my fears and prove I'm stronger than them. They will no longer hold me back from what I know I'm good at.

I am an introvert

There, I said it. Then again, it's always been obvious to anyone who knows me. They know not to ask me to parties, I won't go. They can ask what book I just read or recommend a good movie. If I'm alone, I'm generally happy. I do like being around people some of the time, but do need time to recharge.

I've been playing with personality tests as of late. I've taken several to see if I get the same result and how the questions are structured, etc. Interestingly enough, all of the tests do it differently, but I get the same result every time. INFP. That just means I'm an introvert, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. Perceiving and Judgement vie for the upper hand, but perceiving gets it every time, just barely. I was probably INFJ before we joined the Army. But it took away my need to have every little thing planned out. Mainly because the Army laughs in the face of plans. I'll have grand plans for something and then BLAM! There's the phone call telling me hubby will be late coming home. Or he gets home and starts dragging out his gear bags, starts to pack, saying they're going out on a 2 week training mission. It's rather annoying. But it's something I've had to adapt to or go insane. I've learned to shrug my shoulders and come up with something else.

It's been fun and silly. But it has taught me a lot about myself. I also took a test in which you could guess at someone else's personality. I was aiming for my hubby's of course. That whole personality compatibility thing. Turns out we're an active pair. We stimulate each other to action, but we need a break from each other now and then. Well, the Army is good at that! We're not 100% compatible, but what couple is? He finds me a little up in the air as I'm "The Dreamer" while he's "The Duty Fulfiller." I've been told I'm slightly crazy and unpredictable. For someone who likes rules as much as he does, he probably finds it annoying. That's okay. The fact he shows almost no emotion gets to me, too. But I need his "thinking" to balance out my "feeling." Mine's a wee bit overdeveloped due to having bipolar disorder. It works for us. :-)

I used to write all the time. Something the personality profiles said I'd be "good at". No kidding! I know I was good at it. But something happened almost 2 years ago that I illogically linked with writing. Since that time, I haven't been able to work on anything to do with writing. At least nothing more strenuous than emails, texts, and board messages on Ravelry. I hope to find a way to revive my love of writing and unlink it from that something bad. Then maybe I can move forward again. It's been frustrating not having my writing, even something as simple as a blog post or a journal entry.

So wake up, fuzzy mind! It's time to get back to work! I am an introvert and I've been avoiding the biggest part of myself, which is time within my own mind. What happened had nothing to do with you and it's time to stop hiding. Let's dust out the cobwebs and see what we can find. This will be quite the adventure.