There are days when all you can do is think about writing and then there are days all you can do is actually write. My mind refused to turn off the book yesterday and my hand went merrily along for the ride. I did end up having to ice my wrist mid-way through and take a 3 hour break, but that didn't stop me. I wrote another 2 pages (one side of a hand written page = 1 page) before I finally managed to get myself to bed.
I am super excited by that. What does it sound like? I have no clue. I haven't even taken the time yet to go back and read it and probably won't until that chapter is finished and ready to be typed into the computer. I don't want to let out my internal editor quite yet. I don't want to face those nasty words that come flowing out. Things like, "Well, this wording stinks." "What the heck were you thinking here?!" "This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever." Then the pen starts flying and hacking and slashing at all the beautiful words and killing them. When the editor comes out to play, the creator runs to hide.
That is what NaNo taught me in 2009. Lock up that internal editor until later. For now, let your creative side out to play and let it have fun! Enjoy the process of getting the words out on the paper and go with it. I'm not playing by strict NaNo 'rules' this year. My editor does come out sometimes and whispers, "That's not the right word, wouldn't this one be better?" Usually my creative side will snag it, yell "Thanks" over its shoulder and keep dashing along. In my opinion, this is what the writing process should be.
I do wish it was always that easy. The thoughts would just flow and not stop, my hand struggling to stay caught up as it dashes along. One beautiful word after another written across the page. Unfortunately, I know it's not. There will be days where my mind will sit in the corner and pout. Days where it will be agonizing to write even a single word.
I will learn. I will be disciplined. Yesterday was an amazing gift of pure creativity. I will embrace that gift and run with it. Even when the words don't want to come, those first 12 pages will serve as a reminder that it comes and goes. Power through the day they don't want to come because tomorrow is another day and the words might write themselves.
Today, it's Thanksgiving here in the U.S. I'm already planning some writing time along with making a traditional meal for my family. I'm fairly certain it can be done. :-)
(And if nothing here made sense, I apologize. I had two boys running through the house the entire time I was writing this. Talk about making life difficult!)
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Promises and Writing
Okay. So, the first chapter didn't actually get posted this weekend. I was working on it yesterday and re-read it and realized something horrible. It was DEAD. It was BORING. Keep in mind I have part of a rough draft over on my shelf that has me thinking, "Wow! I wrote that?! I love it!" THAT is what I'm trying to recapture.
After thinking about it for awhile, and lamenting about my sucky writing on Facebook, I realized something important. Whenever I leave writing behind for awhile, and not blog posts or anything like that, but fictional writing, I lose my voice. I honestly forget how I write and how I want it to sound and what makes it mine. I pondered it for awhile, pictured the first chapter in my head and how I wanted the first part to be captured and started the rewrite (for the third time) last night. I sure hope it's getting out on paper the way I'm seeing it in my head.
I was going to abandon the handwriting model I've used for so long in order to get a freer thought process going on that I can get with typing, but decided I'd just end up with more ick that way. However, escaping the internet that sits right next to me, lurking in a black box I call my computer, is rough. It takes a lot of will power to stay away from it.
I'm sitting here pondering how to fit in writing with all of my other duties. You know, fun stuff like laundry, keeping the house clean, feeding kids and the like. One day, I'll figure this out. It's always been a struggle for me to balance that out with whatever 'hobby' I'm doing at the time. I can tell you now though, writing is a much more involved process than the other things I do. With quilting, knitting, or crochet, I can easily watch a show or movie or listen to music without any problems. With writing, I have to listen to a very specific type of music and have to block most other background noise out.
Yes, writing is probably the most difficult thing I do, especially now. I have bipolar disorder and it went wonky within the past few years. That meant a year-long struggle with my doctor to find the right medication to balance me back out. Unfortunately, that new medication also hampers concentration and the ability to find the right word. Until this year, I'd put away my writing. I haven't touched it, thought about it much, nothing. Only, I felt the presence of God telling me to write. That's all, just write. It is my strongest skill of all my 'creation' skills. So after hem-hawing my way to now, I've only poked at it and talked about it. In a way, I'm still doing that. I'm still afraid of my pen and paper. I'm scared I have no unique ideas. Everything I have up in the air right now are ideas given to me by other people. I'm using them with their blessing, of course! I'd never steal someone else's idea without permission.
Right about now is when I start getting nostalgic and think back to when I was a kid. I had SO many stories floating in my head all the time. I did up until I was 18 or 19 anyway. About the time I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Weird, I never drew that connection before. At the same time I had to go on medication to help keep me balanced, the creative door in my head slammed shut. Or at least closed to the merest gap.
However, that means ... I was going to say nothing, but that's not true. It means a lot. It means, to succeed with this, I will have to try harder. There's a barrier there I will have to work to cross. My ideas may never be more than the trickle they are right now, but I will find a way to work with that and keep going. Going off my medication isn't an option, so another path has to be found and forged. I have a feeling this is about to become a rather frustrating and tiring experience. But there's no better time than now to get started, right?
After thinking about it for awhile, and lamenting about my sucky writing on Facebook, I realized something important. Whenever I leave writing behind for awhile, and not blog posts or anything like that, but fictional writing, I lose my voice. I honestly forget how I write and how I want it to sound and what makes it mine. I pondered it for awhile, pictured the first chapter in my head and how I wanted the first part to be captured and started the rewrite (for the third time) last night. I sure hope it's getting out on paper the way I'm seeing it in my head.
I was going to abandon the handwriting model I've used for so long in order to get a freer thought process going on that I can get with typing, but decided I'd just end up with more ick that way. However, escaping the internet that sits right next to me, lurking in a black box I call my computer, is rough. It takes a lot of will power to stay away from it.
I'm sitting here pondering how to fit in writing with all of my other duties. You know, fun stuff like laundry, keeping the house clean, feeding kids and the like. One day, I'll figure this out. It's always been a struggle for me to balance that out with whatever 'hobby' I'm doing at the time. I can tell you now though, writing is a much more involved process than the other things I do. With quilting, knitting, or crochet, I can easily watch a show or movie or listen to music without any problems. With writing, I have to listen to a very specific type of music and have to block most other background noise out.
Yes, writing is probably the most difficult thing I do, especially now. I have bipolar disorder and it went wonky within the past few years. That meant a year-long struggle with my doctor to find the right medication to balance me back out. Unfortunately, that new medication also hampers concentration and the ability to find the right word. Until this year, I'd put away my writing. I haven't touched it, thought about it much, nothing. Only, I felt the presence of God telling me to write. That's all, just write. It is my strongest skill of all my 'creation' skills. So after hem-hawing my way to now, I've only poked at it and talked about it. In a way, I'm still doing that. I'm still afraid of my pen and paper. I'm scared I have no unique ideas. Everything I have up in the air right now are ideas given to me by other people. I'm using them with their blessing, of course! I'd never steal someone else's idea without permission.
Right about now is when I start getting nostalgic and think back to when I was a kid. I had SO many stories floating in my head all the time. I did up until I was 18 or 19 anyway. About the time I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Weird, I never drew that connection before. At the same time I had to go on medication to help keep me balanced, the creative door in my head slammed shut. Or at least closed to the merest gap.
However, that means ... I was going to say nothing, but that's not true. It means a lot. It means, to succeed with this, I will have to try harder. There's a barrier there I will have to work to cross. My ideas may never be more than the trickle they are right now, but I will find a way to work with that and keep going. Going off my medication isn't an option, so another path has to be found and forged. I have a feeling this is about to become a rather frustrating and tiring experience. But there's no better time than now to get started, right?
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Actually Writing This Time
I read my last blog post and had to laugh. I remember that day quite well because that's exactly how it went. Since then, we moved half way across the country and NaNoWriMo started. That's National Novel Writing Month where people attempt to write 50,000 words in a single month. I've tried it several times, but only won once. However, when other people are talking about writing, it always triggers my desire to write again. Always. Only, this time, I decided NOT to do NaNo, but just write on whatever I felt like without the pressure of the 50K winning mark. I figured any words I got onto paper was a win. Besides, we'd just moved and I had 3 kids to get into school, 2 to be tested, 1 to start getting to an orthodontist which lead to an oral surgeon and.... Yeah. Life is hectic and I just didn't want the stress of NaNo added to it.
Somewhere in the world of NaNo posts on my Facebook page, someone mentioned Wattpad. Look it up. It's awesome! I decided to take the plunge and post a serial myself. It's called The Dark Rider. So far, I only have the prologue up because I realized I had literally edited the first chapter to death back when I started it in 2008. That's why winning NaNo in 2009 was such a big deal. I could NOT get past 2 pages in a new story without killing it with edits. I have since learned that you just WRITE. You edit later. But get the idea out now. The complete idea. Anyway! I have since been struggling with writing the first chapter to get it ready to be posted. Unfortunately, the above life got in the way.
To make things more exciting, we were informed one of our kids basically tested out of their school system. Keep in mind he's only 11 at the moment. I knew he was bored, but wow. So we're now working out what to do with "genius boy." We'll get there. For now, I'm back in my chair and writing. Okay, I'm blogging at the moment, but I'll get back to writing.
You see, when I write a book, I write by hand. That might be insane considering I type upwards of 80+ wpm, but what the heck? All that allows me to do is put more junk down faster. When I write by hand, I have to streamline my thought process and make sure each word is right when I put it down. I end up having to edit way less later. That's always a good thing. :-)
I had written a full page, front and back, when my youngest decided to pitch a fit over his turn on the Xbox, I think. All I know is it broke my train of concentration. I'll get it back though. I'm bound and determined to post that 1st chapter this weekend. I WILL do it!
Somewhere in the world of NaNo posts on my Facebook page, someone mentioned Wattpad. Look it up. It's awesome! I decided to take the plunge and post a serial myself. It's called The Dark Rider. So far, I only have the prologue up because I realized I had literally edited the first chapter to death back when I started it in 2008. That's why winning NaNo in 2009 was such a big deal. I could NOT get past 2 pages in a new story without killing it with edits. I have since learned that you just WRITE. You edit later. But get the idea out now. The complete idea. Anyway! I have since been struggling with writing the first chapter to get it ready to be posted. Unfortunately, the above life got in the way.
To make things more exciting, we were informed one of our kids basically tested out of their school system. Keep in mind he's only 11 at the moment. I knew he was bored, but wow. So we're now working out what to do with "genius boy." We'll get there. For now, I'm back in my chair and writing. Okay, I'm blogging at the moment, but I'll get back to writing.
You see, when I write a book, I write by hand. That might be insane considering I type upwards of 80+ wpm, but what the heck? All that allows me to do is put more junk down faster. When I write by hand, I have to streamline my thought process and make sure each word is right when I put it down. I end up having to edit way less later. That's always a good thing. :-)
I had written a full page, front and back, when my youngest decided to pitch a fit over his turn on the Xbox, I think. All I know is it broke my train of concentration. I'll get it back though. I'm bound and determined to post that 1st chapter this weekend. I WILL do it!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
What You REALLY do when You Sit Down to Write
You have everything you need before you. Your pen and paper and a possible beginning to your book. But here's what really happens when you go to write:
1. Think about that beginning and decide to rewrite it.
2. Start to rewrite it and realize it's not going well. Throw up your hands and spin around in your chair.
3. Realize the foreshadowing might not even be needed because you're not sure if this draft of your book will even end that way.
4. Grab every pen you have nearby that you think you like and start testing them out by rewriting the same poorly written sentence of the foreshadowing scene over and over, each with a different pen. Realize you like the way one pen writes better, but like the feel of the barrel of another better. Ponder if you can trade out the ink but realize an ink cartridge from a capped pen wouldn't work in a clicky pen.
5. Wonder if the pen you passed up in the store because it was too expensive wouldn't be the greatest pen ever and try to come up with a good reason to go get it just to try it out against your other pens.
6. Go get snacks and a drink and sit back down. Think some more.
7. Come up with a possible starting sentence.
8. Check Facebook because someone might have posted something neat.
9. Look back at your writing and turn around again.
10. Ponder that sentence you came up with and wonder if it's good enough to be a starting sentence.
11. Check another website to see if anyone has commented on a photo you posted. They haven't.
12. Check Facebook again because someone might have posted something important. Nope.
13. Stare at the two pens you have in a face off and think about the pen you didn't buy. Ponder the idea of being able to just buy ink cartridges for the pen if it needs new ink and consider the pen some more.
14. Text your mom back after she finally gets back to you after an hour.
15. Get ready to write.
16. She texts again. You respond.
17. Realize it's dinner time and you get up to go heat up the oven.
18. Think it would be funny to blog about the real writing process.
19. Oven beeps and you realize now you actually have to fix dinner.
20. Realize you forgot that great starting sentence because you never wrote it down.
And that, is actually how you write. :-) Okay, I'll admit it's not a great way to write, but hey! It's certainly a great way to procrastinate while thinking about writing the entire time.
1. Think about that beginning and decide to rewrite it.
2. Start to rewrite it and realize it's not going well. Throw up your hands and spin around in your chair.
3. Realize the foreshadowing might not even be needed because you're not sure if this draft of your book will even end that way.
4. Grab every pen you have nearby that you think you like and start testing them out by rewriting the same poorly written sentence of the foreshadowing scene over and over, each with a different pen. Realize you like the way one pen writes better, but like the feel of the barrel of another better. Ponder if you can trade out the ink but realize an ink cartridge from a capped pen wouldn't work in a clicky pen.
5. Wonder if the pen you passed up in the store because it was too expensive wouldn't be the greatest pen ever and try to come up with a good reason to go get it just to try it out against your other pens.
6. Go get snacks and a drink and sit back down. Think some more.
7. Come up with a possible starting sentence.
8. Check Facebook because someone might have posted something neat.
9. Look back at your writing and turn around again.
10. Ponder that sentence you came up with and wonder if it's good enough to be a starting sentence.
11. Check another website to see if anyone has commented on a photo you posted. They haven't.
12. Check Facebook again because someone might have posted something important. Nope.
13. Stare at the two pens you have in a face off and think about the pen you didn't buy. Ponder the idea of being able to just buy ink cartridges for the pen if it needs new ink and consider the pen some more.
14. Text your mom back after she finally gets back to you after an hour.
15. Get ready to write.
16. She texts again. You respond.
17. Realize it's dinner time and you get up to go heat up the oven.
18. Think it would be funny to blog about the real writing process.
19. Oven beeps and you realize now you actually have to fix dinner.
20. Realize you forgot that great starting sentence because you never wrote it down.
And that, is actually how you write. :-) Okay, I'll admit it's not a great way to write, but hey! It's certainly a great way to procrastinate while thinking about writing the entire time.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
I Am A Writer
I have a secret to share with you. I am a writer. Crazy thing about that, I probably wouldn't have said that at any other time in my life when I was writing. Why not? Because of fear. How could I possibly be considered a writer if I have nothing published? How can I be called a writer when I don't even have a book finished and being considered for publication? But you know what? None of that matters.
Here's what happened. I decided to dust off my one and only finished book that was sitting in first draft status on my shelf. It was time to bring it out, sit down with it, and brainstorm every problem area it had. Mind you, I had lots of people telling me it was great, etc. In my little world, it wasn't. I have another partially finished book (story of my life, everything's partially finished) on my shelf that when I read what I have, all I can think is, "Wow. I wrote that? It's amazing. What happens next?" That's what I want to do with my first book. I want it up to that level as well.
Anyway, I was having one of those random conversations in my head. We all do this, so you can't look at me like I'm crazy. But say you're doing something somewhere and someone comes up to you asks you what you do. My husband can say he's a soldier. My brothers can say they're CEOs. Me? I can say, "I'm a writer." Then, this mythical person in my head asks, "Have you published anything?" And I heard myself reply, "Not yet."
And with that little word, 'yet', came another breakthrough. One of my greatest fears of writing has been what do I do with a manuscript when it's finished? Do I face the fear of rejection letter after rejection letter in the hopes someone might like it and want to publish it? In the past, that would stop me from even writing. I didn't want to face that fear, or even the thought of that fear. But yesterday... Yesterday was magical. Yesterday I realized I WOULD face that fear. I WOULD face the rejection slips. If I get turned down everywhere, fine. I can always self-publish and my work will still get out there. Would I rather see a big publishing house take it on? Of course I would. But that's not the only option out there anymore.
Just two little sentences and decisions changed my life. Odd little sentences.
1) I'm a writer.
2) I'm not published yet, but I will be.
The doors in my mind opened up and ideas came pouring out on how to fix my book. I can barely keep up with them as I consider them and write them down. Mainly, they're questions. Ones I need to study and address to bring forth the answers that will fix the original book. I'm full of writing energy I haven't experienced in years. As I ponder each question and begin to answer them, I can feel life entering this book that wasn't there before. I'm excited to see where it takes me.
Here's what happened. I decided to dust off my one and only finished book that was sitting in first draft status on my shelf. It was time to bring it out, sit down with it, and brainstorm every problem area it had. Mind you, I had lots of people telling me it was great, etc. In my little world, it wasn't. I have another partially finished book (story of my life, everything's partially finished) on my shelf that when I read what I have, all I can think is, "Wow. I wrote that? It's amazing. What happens next?" That's what I want to do with my first book. I want it up to that level as well.
Anyway, I was having one of those random conversations in my head. We all do this, so you can't look at me like I'm crazy. But say you're doing something somewhere and someone comes up to you asks you what you do. My husband can say he's a soldier. My brothers can say they're CEOs. Me? I can say, "I'm a writer." Then, this mythical person in my head asks, "Have you published anything?" And I heard myself reply, "Not yet."
And with that little word, 'yet', came another breakthrough. One of my greatest fears of writing has been what do I do with a manuscript when it's finished? Do I face the fear of rejection letter after rejection letter in the hopes someone might like it and want to publish it? In the past, that would stop me from even writing. I didn't want to face that fear, or even the thought of that fear. But yesterday... Yesterday was magical. Yesterday I realized I WOULD face that fear. I WOULD face the rejection slips. If I get turned down everywhere, fine. I can always self-publish and my work will still get out there. Would I rather see a big publishing house take it on? Of course I would. But that's not the only option out there anymore.
Just two little sentences and decisions changed my life. Odd little sentences.
1) I'm a writer.
2) I'm not published yet, but I will be.
The doors in my mind opened up and ideas came pouring out on how to fix my book. I can barely keep up with them as I consider them and write them down. Mainly, they're questions. Ones I need to study and address to bring forth the answers that will fix the original book. I'm full of writing energy I haven't experienced in years. As I ponder each question and begin to answer them, I can feel life entering this book that wasn't there before. I'm excited to see where it takes me.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Decluttering
I will be the first to admit I'm horrible when it comes to clutter. I let it build and build and build until I want to rip my hair out and scream. I go into a cleaning frenzy to get it clean and organized and within a week, you can't tell I did anything. It's time to realize that this will take a lifestyle change for the entire family if we want a clean and organized home. Lucky (unlucky) for us, we're about to make a major move from Texas to California. It's the perfect time to clear out as much as possible so we don't take it with us and start over. The worst thing about this is we have 1.5 months to achieve our goal. Well, my goal. While I wish we could get our house down to about 50% of the things we own, even I have to admit that's not feasible. But maybe we can clear out 25% of it.
When faced with the idea of decluttering our house, I'll admit I'm overwhelmed. I look around and see everything we own and just want to sit down and knit while watching TV. That's a lot easier. I also have to take into account the fact I'm permanently injured. I have to do everything in tiny steps so I don't hurt myself. But with everyone else either at school or at work, most of this work is going to fall to me. I need to put a plan into place I can stick with.
I'm thinking of using the time honored "timer" method. You set a timer for a specific amount of time and work until it goes off. Then you put everything away, throw out the trash, etc. If I can do that 2 or 3 times a day, I think I'd see some good progress.
This time, I'm going to start in a hidden corner. A place I can go back to day after day and look at it when I'm feeling discouraged. I'm going to start in a linen closet. It's upstairs and no one really goes in there much. We pull out clean towels now and then, and replace sheets, but that's it. I think the cat spends more time in that closet than we do. Unlike some people, we don't throw things in there when people come over. No, those are our regular closets. The linen closet is already too full of well... linens. Now that I think about it, we almost never use most of our linens, either. It's time to get rid of a lot of things in there. Old pillowcases, sheets, cleaning supplies we haven't touched since we moved here 5 years ago. Stupid to hang on to them and drag them to another state. After awhile, they'll be as well-traveled as we are.
So, now that I've wasted some time blogging about it, it's time to actually go do it. And thank goodness for a tip I just read online to help save your lower back while tackling the linen closet. Put a folding surface near you while you work. Just a simple little idea that means so much to me.
Okay. Give me a trash bag and a folding table. I'm off.
When faced with the idea of decluttering our house, I'll admit I'm overwhelmed. I look around and see everything we own and just want to sit down and knit while watching TV. That's a lot easier. I also have to take into account the fact I'm permanently injured. I have to do everything in tiny steps so I don't hurt myself. But with everyone else either at school or at work, most of this work is going to fall to me. I need to put a plan into place I can stick with.
I'm thinking of using the time honored "timer" method. You set a timer for a specific amount of time and work until it goes off. Then you put everything away, throw out the trash, etc. If I can do that 2 or 3 times a day, I think I'd see some good progress.
This time, I'm going to start in a hidden corner. A place I can go back to day after day and look at it when I'm feeling discouraged. I'm going to start in a linen closet. It's upstairs and no one really goes in there much. We pull out clean towels now and then, and replace sheets, but that's it. I think the cat spends more time in that closet than we do. Unlike some people, we don't throw things in there when people come over. No, those are our regular closets. The linen closet is already too full of well... linens. Now that I think about it, we almost never use most of our linens, either. It's time to get rid of a lot of things in there. Old pillowcases, sheets, cleaning supplies we haven't touched since we moved here 5 years ago. Stupid to hang on to them and drag them to another state. After awhile, they'll be as well-traveled as we are.
So, now that I've wasted some time blogging about it, it's time to actually go do it. And thank goodness for a tip I just read online to help save your lower back while tackling the linen closet. Put a folding surface near you while you work. Just a simple little idea that means so much to me.
Okay. Give me a trash bag and a folding table. I'm off.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
I am Disabled
That is such a horrible thing to have to say. I'm only 38 and to realize I can legally claim disability from social security hurts. I don't want to admit I can't do what others can. What makes it more difficult is you can't see my disabilities. I look like a perfectly normal, healthy person. I'm not overweight and my disabilities don't show up in a physical manner.
First off, I have bipolar disorder. That one is such a fun one (dripping sarcasm there). Technically, I became disabled at the young age of 18. I just never acknowledged it until now. How's that for delusional? Twenty years later, I finally realize I haven't been able to work for years. It's obvious if you look at my spotty work history. I could only work outside of my home for a year before I had to return home to recharge. But that didn't stop me from heading right back out and looking for another job when I'd "recharged." I figured finding the right job would be all it took. Guess what? It doesn't work that way. So I hid behind being a stay-at-home-mom and I've been happy for a long time. Unfortunately, I am on new medication that effects how I think and how I remember stuff. In other words, I don't think as well and I can't remember diddly. I can tell you that makes it difficult to learn new things. I've stopped knitting more complicated lace patterns as they've begun to confuse me. It was hard to give that up because I love lace. The ability to create it is amazing. But there are plenty of other patterns out there I can do, so I can still keep knitting and that's all that matters.
My second disability is degenerative disc disorder. It's also known as a "disease." There's no stopping it once it gets going. A disc in my back is plain flat breaking down. It's to the point now that it could be diagnosed via x-ray. Usually, it requires much more detailed imaging to diagnose, like an MRI. I've probably had this problem for years and never really knew it. I just labeled it a "bad back" and called it good. I've spent months in physical therapy and I'm getting ready to go back. If I want to keep surgery at bay, I'll probably be in therapy until the disc finishes degenerating. Thank the dear Lord for my husband's excellent insurance policy.
I don't know. It just hit me real hard tonight that I'm disabled and there's nothing I can do about it. After doing my best for years, I have to admit I am not like everyone else and I can't do everything everyone else can do. It's just not possible. I'll admit I've entered a grieving process. However, I've always held on to one important thing. Every night, before going to bed, I think to myself, "Tomorrow is a new day and it can be better. You made it through today and that's what counts." I haven't sunk into drug use (well, minus smoking), and I don't drink alcohol. I figured I had enough problems and didn't need to add anything else to the list. Life is already hard enough, thank you very much.
I also have a few other health problems that came to a head recently. IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not a darn thing you can do about it. It's controlled by diet and attempt to reduce stress. Oh, the irony of that one. I am raising three boys and I'm an Army wife. In other words, major stress. Currently, I'm working on changing my diet once again. I removed dairy about 2 years ago and I started feeling better. However, it's time to remove gluten as well. In other words, anything that contains wheat. Needless to say, I've made an appointment with a nutritionist to help me with this step. It's getting drastic now and I need to make sure I'm getting enough nutrients.
I guess everything hitting all at once pushed me over the edge into depression. But reading a few stories of how others have learned to cope with a disability really helped me. So I figured I'd go ahead and share my journey as well. Perhaps it will help someone in the future who's also having a hard time.
All the stories I read agreed on one thing. Grieve, but don't dwell on the past. Start looking towards the future and make plans on how to make the best of what you can do. At the moment, that's nothing for me. I "threw out" my back the other night and I'm on muscle relaxants and pain killers. But I'm looking forward to being able to help my husband take the dogs for a walk in the evenings again. It was only around the block, but it was definitely something I could do. I can't wait to do it again.
First off, I have bipolar disorder. That one is such a fun one (dripping sarcasm there). Technically, I became disabled at the young age of 18. I just never acknowledged it until now. How's that for delusional? Twenty years later, I finally realize I haven't been able to work for years. It's obvious if you look at my spotty work history. I could only work outside of my home for a year before I had to return home to recharge. But that didn't stop me from heading right back out and looking for another job when I'd "recharged." I figured finding the right job would be all it took. Guess what? It doesn't work that way. So I hid behind being a stay-at-home-mom and I've been happy for a long time. Unfortunately, I am on new medication that effects how I think and how I remember stuff. In other words, I don't think as well and I can't remember diddly. I can tell you that makes it difficult to learn new things. I've stopped knitting more complicated lace patterns as they've begun to confuse me. It was hard to give that up because I love lace. The ability to create it is amazing. But there are plenty of other patterns out there I can do, so I can still keep knitting and that's all that matters.
My second disability is degenerative disc disorder. It's also known as a "disease." There's no stopping it once it gets going. A disc in my back is plain flat breaking down. It's to the point now that it could be diagnosed via x-ray. Usually, it requires much more detailed imaging to diagnose, like an MRI. I've probably had this problem for years and never really knew it. I just labeled it a "bad back" and called it good. I've spent months in physical therapy and I'm getting ready to go back. If I want to keep surgery at bay, I'll probably be in therapy until the disc finishes degenerating. Thank the dear Lord for my husband's excellent insurance policy.
I don't know. It just hit me real hard tonight that I'm disabled and there's nothing I can do about it. After doing my best for years, I have to admit I am not like everyone else and I can't do everything everyone else can do. It's just not possible. I'll admit I've entered a grieving process. However, I've always held on to one important thing. Every night, before going to bed, I think to myself, "Tomorrow is a new day and it can be better. You made it through today and that's what counts." I haven't sunk into drug use (well, minus smoking), and I don't drink alcohol. I figured I had enough problems and didn't need to add anything else to the list. Life is already hard enough, thank you very much.
I also have a few other health problems that came to a head recently. IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not a darn thing you can do about it. It's controlled by diet and attempt to reduce stress. Oh, the irony of that one. I am raising three boys and I'm an Army wife. In other words, major stress. Currently, I'm working on changing my diet once again. I removed dairy about 2 years ago and I started feeling better. However, it's time to remove gluten as well. In other words, anything that contains wheat. Needless to say, I've made an appointment with a nutritionist to help me with this step. It's getting drastic now and I need to make sure I'm getting enough nutrients.
I guess everything hitting all at once pushed me over the edge into depression. But reading a few stories of how others have learned to cope with a disability really helped me. So I figured I'd go ahead and share my journey as well. Perhaps it will help someone in the future who's also having a hard time.
All the stories I read agreed on one thing. Grieve, but don't dwell on the past. Start looking towards the future and make plans on how to make the best of what you can do. At the moment, that's nothing for me. I "threw out" my back the other night and I'm on muscle relaxants and pain killers. But I'm looking forward to being able to help my husband take the dogs for a walk in the evenings again. It was only around the block, but it was definitely something I could do. I can't wait to do it again.
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