What You REALLY do when You Sit Down to Write

You have everything you need before you. Your pen and paper and a possible beginning to your book. But here's what really happens when you go to write:

1. Think about that beginning and decide to rewrite it.
2. Start to rewrite it and realize it's not going well. Throw up your hands and spin around in your chair.
3. Realize the foreshadowing might not even be needed because you're not sure if this draft of your book will even end that way.
4. Grab every pen you have nearby that you think you like and start testing them out by rewriting the same poorly written sentence of the foreshadowing scene over and over, each with a different pen. Realize you like the way one pen writes better, but like the feel of the barrel of another better. Ponder if you can trade out the ink but realize an ink cartridge from a capped pen wouldn't work in a clicky pen.
5. Wonder if the pen you passed up in the store because it was too expensive wouldn't be the greatest pen ever and try to come up with a good reason to go get it just to try it out against your other pens.
6. Go get snacks and a drink and sit back down. Think some more.
7. Come up with a possible starting sentence.
8. Check Facebook because someone might have posted something neat.
9. Look back at your writing and turn around again.
10. Ponder that sentence you came up with and wonder if it's good enough to be a starting sentence.
11. Check another website to see if anyone has commented on a photo you posted. They haven't.
12. Check Facebook again because someone might have posted something important. Nope.
13. Stare at the two pens you have in a face off and think about the pen you didn't buy. Ponder the idea of being able to just buy ink cartridges for the pen if it needs new ink and consider the pen some more.
14. Text your mom back after she finally gets back to you after an hour.
15. Get ready to write.
16. She texts again. You respond.
17. Realize it's dinner time and you get up to go heat up the oven.
18. Think it would be funny to blog about the real writing process.
19. Oven beeps and you realize now you actually have to fix dinner.
20. Realize you forgot that great starting sentence because you never wrote it down.

And that, is actually how you write. :-)  Okay, I'll admit it's not a great way to write, but hey! It's certainly a great way to procrastinate while thinking about writing the entire time.

I Am A Writer

I have a secret to share with you. I am a writer. Crazy thing about that, I probably wouldn't have said that at any other time in my life when I was writing. Why not? Because of fear. How could I possibly be considered a writer if I have nothing published? How can I be called a writer when I don't even have a book finished and being considered for publication? But you know what? None of that matters.

Here's what happened. I decided to dust off my one and only finished book that was sitting in first draft status on my shelf. It was time to bring it out, sit down with it, and brainstorm every problem area it had. Mind you, I had lots of people telling me it was great, etc. In my little world, it wasn't. I have another partially finished book (story of my life, everything's partially finished) on my shelf that when I read what I have, all I can think is, "Wow. I wrote that? It's amazing. What happens next?" That's what I want to do with my first book. I want it up to that level as well.

Anyway, I was having one of those random conversations in my head. We all do this, so you can't look at me like I'm crazy. But say you're doing something somewhere and someone comes up to you asks you what you do. My husband can say he's a soldier. My brothers can say they're CEOs. Me? I can say, "I'm a writer."  Then, this mythical person in my head asks, "Have you published anything?"  And I heard myself reply, "Not yet."

And with that little word, 'yet', came another breakthrough.  One of my greatest fears of writing has been what do I do with a manuscript when it's finished? Do I face the fear of rejection letter after rejection letter in the hopes someone might like it and want to publish it?  In the past, that would stop me from even writing. I didn't want to face that fear, or even the thought of that fear. But yesterday... Yesterday was magical. Yesterday I realized I WOULD face that fear. I WOULD face the rejection slips. If I get turned down everywhere, fine. I can always self-publish and my work will still get out there. Would I rather see a big publishing house take it on? Of course I would. But that's not the only option out there anymore.

Just two little sentences and decisions changed my life. Odd little sentences.
1) I'm a writer.
2) I'm not published yet, but I will be.

The doors in my mind opened up and ideas came pouring out on how to fix my book. I can barely keep up with them as I consider them and write them down. Mainly, they're questions. Ones I need to study and address to bring forth the answers that will fix the original book. I'm full of writing energy I haven't experienced in years. As I ponder each question and begin to answer them, I can feel life entering this book that wasn't there before. I'm excited to see where it takes me.

Decluttering

I will be the first to admit I'm horrible when it comes to clutter. I let it build and build and build until I want to rip my hair out and scream. I go into a cleaning frenzy to get it clean and organized and within a week, you can't tell I did anything. It's time to realize that this will take a lifestyle change for the entire family if we want a clean and organized home. Lucky (unlucky) for us, we're about to make a major move from Texas to California. It's the perfect time to clear out as much as possible so we don't take it with us and start over. The worst thing about this is we have 1.5 months to achieve our goal.  Well, my goal. While I wish we could get our house down to about 50% of the things we own, even I have to admit that's not feasible. But maybe we can clear out 25% of it.

When faced with the idea of decluttering our house, I'll admit I'm overwhelmed. I look around and see everything we own and just want to sit down and knit while watching TV. That's a lot easier. I also have to take into account the fact I'm permanently injured. I have to do everything in tiny steps so I don't hurt myself. But with everyone else either at school or at work, most of this work is going to fall to me. I need to put a plan into place I can stick with.

I'm thinking of using the time honored "timer" method. You set a timer for a specific amount of time and work until it goes off. Then you put everything away, throw out the trash, etc. If I can do that 2 or 3 times a day, I think I'd see some good progress.

This time, I'm going to start in a hidden corner. A place I can go back to day after day and look at it when I'm feeling discouraged. I'm going to start in a linen closet. It's upstairs and no one really goes in there much. We pull out clean towels now and then, and replace sheets, but that's it. I think the cat spends more time in that closet than we do. Unlike some people, we don't throw things in there when people come over. No, those are our regular closets. The linen closet is already too full of well... linens. Now that I think about it, we almost never use most of our linens, either. It's time to get rid of a lot of things in there. Old pillowcases, sheets, cleaning supplies we haven't touched since we moved here 5 years ago. Stupid to hang on to them and drag them to another state. After awhile, they'll be as well-traveled as we are.

So, now that I've wasted some time blogging about it, it's time to actually go do it. And thank goodness for a tip I just read online to help save your lower back while tackling the linen closet. Put a folding surface near you while you work. Just a simple little idea that means so much to me.

Okay. Give me a trash bag and a folding table. I'm off.

I am Disabled

That is such a horrible thing to have to say. I'm only 38 and to realize I can legally claim disability from social security hurts. I don't want to admit I can't do what others can. What makes it more difficult is you can't see my disabilities. I look like a perfectly normal, healthy person. I'm not overweight and my disabilities don't show up in a physical manner.

First off, I have bipolar disorder. That one is such a fun one (dripping sarcasm there). Technically, I became disabled at the young age of 18. I just never acknowledged it until now. How's that for delusional? Twenty years later, I finally realize I haven't been able to work for years. It's obvious if you look at my spotty work history. I could only work outside of my home for a year before I had to return home to recharge. But that didn't stop me from heading right back out and looking for another job when I'd "recharged." I figured finding the right job would be all it took. Guess what? It doesn't work that way. So I hid behind being a stay-at-home-mom and I've been happy for a long time. Unfortunately, I am on new medication that effects how I think and how I remember stuff. In other words, I don't think as well and I can't remember diddly. I can tell you that makes it difficult to learn new things. I've stopped knitting more complicated lace patterns as they've begun to confuse me. It was hard to give that up because I love lace. The ability to create it is amazing. But there are plenty of other patterns out there I can do, so I can still keep knitting and that's all that matters.

My second disability is degenerative disc disorder. It's also known as a "disease." There's no stopping it once it gets going. A disc in my back is plain flat breaking down. It's to the point now that it could be diagnosed via x-ray. Usually, it requires much more detailed imaging to diagnose, like an MRI. I've probably had this problem for years and never really knew it. I just labeled it a "bad back" and called it good. I've spent months in physical therapy and I'm getting ready to go back. If I want to keep surgery at bay, I'll probably be in therapy until the disc finishes degenerating. Thank the dear Lord for my husband's excellent insurance policy.

I don't know. It just hit me real hard tonight that I'm disabled and there's nothing I can do about it. After doing my best for years, I have to admit I am not like everyone else and I can't do everything everyone else can do. It's just not possible. I'll admit I've entered a grieving process. However, I've always held on to one important thing. Every night, before going to bed, I think to myself, "Tomorrow is a new day and it can be better. You made it through today and that's what counts." I haven't sunk into drug use (well, minus smoking), and I don't drink alcohol. I figured I had enough problems and didn't need to add anything else to the list. Life is already hard enough, thank you very much.

I also have a few other health problems that came to a head recently. IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not a darn thing you can do about it. It's controlled by diet and attempt to reduce stress. Oh, the irony of that one. I am raising three boys and I'm an Army wife. In other words, major stress. Currently, I'm working on changing my diet once again. I removed dairy about 2 years ago and I started feeling better. However, it's time to remove gluten as well. In other words, anything that contains wheat. Needless to say, I've made an appointment with a nutritionist to help me with this step. It's getting drastic now and I need to make sure I'm getting enough nutrients.

I guess everything hitting all at once pushed me over the edge into depression. But reading a few stories of how others have learned to cope with a disability really helped me. So I figured I'd go ahead and share my journey as well. Perhaps it will help someone in the future who's also having a hard time.

All the stories I read agreed on one thing. Grieve, but don't dwell on the past. Start looking towards the future and make plans on how to make the best of what you can do. At the moment, that's nothing for me. I "threw out" my back the other night and I'm on muscle relaxants and pain killers. But I'm looking forward to being able to help my husband take the dogs for a walk in the evenings again. It was only around the block, but it was definitely something I could do. I can't wait to do it again.

To write again...

Several years back, during my husband's first deployment to Afghanistan, I got sick. Labeling it as "sick" is such a weak word. I had 4 things go wrong all at once, with a huge fifth one hitting after my husband returned home. Before that time, I used to knit intricate lace shawls and wrote stories that had people begging to know what would happen next. Ever since that time, I've stopped. No more lace shawls. I'll still knit shawls with a touch of lace, but no more delicate creations that have people afraid to touch them. No more stories. I couldn't find the right words to string together any more.

I sat down last night and tried to analyze WHY this all happened. I blamed it on new medication. One of its side effects is it can stop you from finding the right word. How weird is that? However, it works so well otherwise, the doctor and I agreed it was worth the three main side effects I was having (word choice, some concentration, and insomnia) to remain on it. However, as I adapt to the side effects, I'm still not writing. Not like I used to. Even now, as I work on this simple little blog post, my leg is shaking with nervousness. Maybe it's just the fact I had too much caffeine. Over the years, I've weaned myself off of it. It helps with one of the problems I was having previously.

However, in looking at the problem real close last night, facing the dragon so to speak, I realized the only reason was completely irrational. I'm afraid if I go back to what I was doing, and put them back in that particular combination, my illnesses will return. That horrible 'fifth thing' will return. I realize I'm not going into detail on what the illnesses were, but that's okay. Sometimes there's no real need. Just know it caused family to come and stay with the kids and me until my husband returned home. I lost a year, literally, to anti-anxiety meds that eventually stripped me of all emotion until I grabbed that bull by the horns and took myself off them a day at a time. It took 2 months of hell to get those all the way out of my system.

Another year has passed since that time and I'm just now starting to put words back on paper. Only journal entries, but it's way more than I was doing before. Words that finally veer away from how I'm feeling to other ideas. The start to a book I've been wanting to re-write for years finally came into my head and I believe I have a viable idea. One that could take that book from, "It's okay," to "Wow! That's great!"

Somehow, someway, I'm healing. Maybe the Lord is helping me put my irrational fears to rest. Or maybe He's helping me face them. I still have no urge to return to knitting the intricate lace shawls. Maybe it's because I have so many I want to make that aren't that way. I don't know. But I do know I want to grab on to the urge to write and run with it. I want to make that a big part of my life again.

Words have power. Never forget that for a moment. And when put in the right order, they can be amazing. I want that back. Time to face my fears and prove I'm stronger than them. They will no longer hold me back from what I know I'm good at.

I am an introvert

There, I said it. Then again, it's always been obvious to anyone who knows me. They know not to ask me to parties, I won't go. They can ask what book I just read or recommend a good movie. If I'm alone, I'm generally happy. I do like being around people some of the time, but do need time to recharge.

I've been playing with personality tests as of late. I've taken several to see if I get the same result and how the questions are structured, etc. Interestingly enough, all of the tests do it differently, but I get the same result every time. INFP. That just means I'm an introvert, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. Perceiving and Judgement vie for the upper hand, but perceiving gets it every time, just barely. I was probably INFJ before we joined the Army. But it took away my need to have every little thing planned out. Mainly because the Army laughs in the face of plans. I'll have grand plans for something and then BLAM! There's the phone call telling me hubby will be late coming home. Or he gets home and starts dragging out his gear bags, starts to pack, saying they're going out on a 2 week training mission. It's rather annoying. But it's something I've had to adapt to or go insane. I've learned to shrug my shoulders and come up with something else.

It's been fun and silly. But it has taught me a lot about myself. I also took a test in which you could guess at someone else's personality. I was aiming for my hubby's of course. That whole personality compatibility thing. Turns out we're an active pair. We stimulate each other to action, but we need a break from each other now and then. Well, the Army is good at that! We're not 100% compatible, but what couple is? He finds me a little up in the air as I'm "The Dreamer" while he's "The Duty Fulfiller." I've been told I'm slightly crazy and unpredictable. For someone who likes rules as much as he does, he probably finds it annoying. That's okay. The fact he shows almost no emotion gets to me, too. But I need his "thinking" to balance out my "feeling." Mine's a wee bit overdeveloped due to having bipolar disorder. It works for us. :-)

I used to write all the time. Something the personality profiles said I'd be "good at". No kidding! I know I was good at it. But something happened almost 2 years ago that I illogically linked with writing. Since that time, I haven't been able to work on anything to do with writing. At least nothing more strenuous than emails, texts, and board messages on Ravelry. I hope to find a way to revive my love of writing and unlink it from that something bad. Then maybe I can move forward again. It's been frustrating not having my writing, even something as simple as a blog post or a journal entry.

So wake up, fuzzy mind! It's time to get back to work! I am an introvert and I've been avoiding the biggest part of myself, which is time within my own mind. What happened had nothing to do with you and it's time to stop hiding. Let's dust out the cobwebs and see what we can find. This will be quite the adventure.

All or Nothing

All or Nothing. That is how my mind works, unfortunately. I'm a person who loves her creative pursuits. I'm always following one or another. However, I can only seem to do one or the other. I can't do several at one time.

If I'm in "knitting mode," then I knit. If I want to write, then I write. If I want to quilt... well, you get the picture. I can't seem to knit in the morning and write in the afternoon. I'm going to try it again, but I'm not sure how it will go.

This afternoon, I sat down to knit. Normally, I do 3 repeats on a shawl and 3 rows on a cowl I'm working on. However, for the past two days I've done nothing. I got caught up in the idea of writing again and so that's what I've been working on doing. I pulled out an old piece I've been working on for years. I started this new blog. I've been surfing Writing.com and I reopened my portfolio there.

Today, I managed to do a little knitting before I stopped again. Once more, I was lured into my writing website. Of course, I haven't done any actual writing... I'm making plans. Thinking through various plot points and figuring out what my characters are going to do next. Wondering if I can jump in and just start writing or if it's going to be obvious I haven't been writing much lately.

I can multitask in real life, but apparently not in my creative life. I would love to be able to, though. Maybe if I keep trying I'll finally get it. Wouldn't that be great? I think it would be, especially since one of the things I'm knitting is a Christmas gift and the next one due to be cast on is also a Christmas gift. I really want to learn how to balance those two sides of my creativity. I'll get there, maybe.