That is such a horrible thing to have to say. I'm only 38 and to realize I can legally claim disability from social security hurts. I don't want to admit I can't do what others can. What makes it more difficult is you can't see my disabilities. I look like a perfectly normal, healthy person. I'm not overweight and my disabilities don't show up in a physical manner.
First off, I have bipolar disorder. That one is such a fun one (dripping sarcasm there). Technically, I became disabled at the young age of 18. I just never acknowledged it until now. How's that for delusional? Twenty years later, I finally realize I haven't been able to work for years. It's obvious if you look at my spotty work history. I could only work outside of my home for a year before I had to return home to recharge. But that didn't stop me from heading right back out and looking for another job when I'd "recharged." I figured finding the right job would be all it took. Guess what? It doesn't work that way. So I hid behind being a stay-at-home-mom and I've been happy for a long time. Unfortunately, I am on new medication that effects how I think and how I remember stuff. In other words, I don't think as well and I can't remember diddly. I can tell you that makes it difficult to learn new things. I've stopped knitting more complicated lace patterns as they've begun to confuse me. It was hard to give that up because I love lace. The ability to create it is amazing. But there are plenty of other patterns out there I can do, so I can still keep knitting and that's all that matters.
My second disability is degenerative disc disorder. It's also known as a "disease." There's no stopping it once it gets going. A disc in my back is plain flat breaking down. It's to the point now that it could be diagnosed via x-ray. Usually, it requires much more detailed imaging to diagnose, like an MRI. I've probably had this problem for years and never really knew it. I just labeled it a "bad back" and called it good. I've spent months in physical therapy and I'm getting ready to go back. If I want to keep surgery at bay, I'll probably be in therapy until the disc finishes degenerating. Thank the dear Lord for my husband's excellent insurance policy.
I don't know. It just hit me real hard tonight that I'm disabled and there's nothing I can do about it. After doing my best for years, I have to admit I am not like everyone else and I can't do everything everyone else can do. It's just not possible. I'll admit I've entered a grieving process. However, I've always held on to one important thing. Every night, before going to bed, I think to myself, "Tomorrow is a new day and it can be better. You made it through today and that's what counts." I haven't sunk into drug use (well, minus smoking), and I don't drink alcohol. I figured I had enough problems and didn't need to add anything else to the list. Life is already hard enough, thank you very much.
I also have a few other health problems that came to a head recently. IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not a darn thing you can do about it. It's controlled by diet and attempt to reduce stress. Oh, the irony of that one. I am raising three boys and I'm an Army wife. In other words, major stress. Currently, I'm working on changing my diet once again. I removed dairy about 2 years ago and I started feeling better. However, it's time to remove gluten as well. In other words, anything that contains wheat. Needless to say, I've made an appointment with a nutritionist to help me with this step. It's getting drastic now and I need to make sure I'm getting enough nutrients.
I guess everything hitting all at once pushed me over the edge into depression. But reading a few stories of how others have learned to cope with a disability really helped me. So I figured I'd go ahead and share my journey as well. Perhaps it will help someone in the future who's also having a hard time.
All the stories I read agreed on one thing. Grieve, but don't dwell on the past. Start looking towards the future and make plans on how to make the best of what you can do. At the moment, that's nothing for me. I "threw out" my back the other night and I'm on muscle relaxants and pain killers. But I'm looking forward to being able to help my husband take the dogs for a walk in the evenings again. It was only around the block, but it was definitely something I could do. I can't wait to do it again.
