Okay, weird title for a blog post, but it has something to do with both writing and bipolar disorder. I was reading a book called "Write. 10 ways to overcome writer's block. Period." At the time I bought it, it sounded good. I remember setting it aside and thinking, "This is useless." I picked it up again tonight and realized why it was useless for someone like me.
Basically, it covers the fact that the right and left sides of the brain are completely different and influence different parts of our creative life. However, for someone with bipolar disorder, it doesn't work. Why? Because it doesn't take into account any kind of mental illness.
Flash back time! Of course, if you're bipolar, you have been your entire life. Psychologists have this eerie way of telling you what your life was like when you were in school. That particular doctor freaked me out so much I didn't go back to see her again. But I came to realize something this evening. While in school, I was fairly logical. Almost too logical for my own good. I realized it was my left brain trying to step in and help my right brain. The right side of our brains control our emotions. As those of us with bipolar disorder know, that side of our brain is completely haywire and out of control. So, when we're younger, our left sides of our brain step in and try to overcompensate. But when the illness fully manifests itself, the right side of our brain wins and that's the end of that.
However, I've always felt like I've had two very different voices in my head. And no, I'm not completely crazy here. I've come to realize it's my emotional side and my logical side "talking" to each other. The emotional side gets out of control and the logical side steps in to do damage control. I can see it happening in my journal entries right now. Of course I can't share one as they're incredibly personal at the moment. But I can see the emotional side of my mind is scared to death and is trying to hide and back away from something I need to do. Then, near the end of every entry, I can actually see the logical side of my mind step in and try to soothe the emotional side of my mind. In a way, it's kind of creepy.
This all goes back to why I believe bipolar people are more creative. That "bridge" between the hemispheres in the normal mind doesn't work like a two-way street. However, while we're growing up, that bridge literally does become a two-way street for those of us with bipolar disorder. It's necessary to keep us under control for as long as possible.
Another interesting tidbit is this. I'm practically ambidextrous. Not by nature, but by training. It started with typing, then progressed more through quilting and knitting. The final straw was my dominant right hand being put into a cast twice within the span of a year. I had no choice but to learn to use my left hand better to accomplish anything. In the process, I widened the bridge connecting the left and right side of my brain. So, when I tried the exercises in the book (she has you switch hands to answer various questions), I was getting the same answers. The left side and the right side of my brain communicate too much for her suggestions to work.
In its own way, that was enlightening. It explained why I'm having such a hard time writing at the moment. I suffered a fairly severe emotional trauma about 3 years ago. Since then, everything went wonky. That's the only way I can describe it. But now I know I can get the logical side of my brain to boost the emotional side to get it through this. I may never recover my writing style I had before that event, but I can sure take a good run at it and see what I have become during that time.
I know that waking up every morning is a challenge. There's that realization the day's battle is just beginning. At the end of the day, go to bed feeling grateful you made it through. We all have our problems and the things we're suffering through. But sometimes it's good to stop and take stock of what we have gained having this illness and do our best to not focus on what it has taken away. We are each different and unique, but we do have that bridge in our minds that allows both sides of the mind to talk to each other in ways others can only dream about. So embrace that knowledge and make the best of it.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Friday, December 19, 2014
Sanity Check
Tonight, our family watched "When the Game Stands Tall." It's a great movie if you don't mind Christian themes. We're a Christian family, so we quite enjoyed it. In there, there was a scene regarding wounded warriors. One soldier said, "If they could put me back together, I'd go back today." When one of the football players asked why, because it had done nothing but get him hurt, he replied it wasn't about that. It was all about your buddy standing next to you. He wanted to be back with his buddies helping them fight the battle.
Shortly after that, I realized my husband wasn't going to leave the military until they booted him out. His training makes it so he could easily find work in a civilian field, even in this depressed job market, so it's not just about providing for our family. He loves being part of the military and I have to respect that.
With that realization came the knowledge that I will have to find something to do with myself. I will stand beside him and support him in any way I can, but I have to have something for myself as well. He's gone a lot. That's just the way of life for military families.
I'm going to work harder at kicking my procrastination tendencies to the curb and start writing every single day. I need something to rescue me from the military life. It's a rough one and not to be taken lightly. It's hard on the soldiers and the families they leave behind every time they leave to go perform their duties.
It's tough to realize my life runs parallel with my husband's. As much as I wish they moved together like a normal marriage, they don't. I'm not even sure they can. It's time to work through my recent laziness (or has it been confusion or apathy) and put together a schedule for myself and my boys. Aw, geez. What a life. Dedication and hard work. In the end, it can take you just about anywhere. Hopefully I'll get it worked out soon and all will be well.
Shortly after that, I realized my husband wasn't going to leave the military until they booted him out. His training makes it so he could easily find work in a civilian field, even in this depressed job market, so it's not just about providing for our family. He loves being part of the military and I have to respect that.
With that realization came the knowledge that I will have to find something to do with myself. I will stand beside him and support him in any way I can, but I have to have something for myself as well. He's gone a lot. That's just the way of life for military families.
I'm going to work harder at kicking my procrastination tendencies to the curb and start writing every single day. I need something to rescue me from the military life. It's a rough one and not to be taken lightly. It's hard on the soldiers and the families they leave behind every time they leave to go perform their duties.
It's tough to realize my life runs parallel with my husband's. As much as I wish they moved together like a normal marriage, they don't. I'm not even sure they can. It's time to work through my recent laziness (or has it been confusion or apathy) and put together a schedule for myself and my boys. Aw, geez. What a life. Dedication and hard work. In the end, it can take you just about anywhere. Hopefully I'll get it worked out soon and all will be well.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Dreams, Goals and Writer's Block
I realized I was going to aim this at people with bipolar disorder, but come on! It's named "The Chaotic Mind" for a reason. LOL
I've been working on a novel out on Wattpad and I'm putting it up a chapter at a time. Yesterday, I had a friend "sit with me" via Facebook chat and tell me exactly what he thought of the book and where it was derailing. I LOVE friends like that. He does it in the sweetest way but gets in my face and says exactly what he thinks. Perhaps I'm developing a thicker skin. Or maybe it's because I knew it was going wonky and I couldn't figure out how, what, where and he pinpointed it for me. Either way! It worked.What is interesting is what that conversation sparked.
I started writing short stories and the like starting in 5th grade. I wrote all the time and I was always swamped with ideas. I still remember the last thing I wrote. I was 19 and had submitted a short story to my Science Fiction teacher based loosely off Neal Stephenson's "Snow Crash." I still remember that glowing feeling I had when I got the story back with an A- on it. My teacher was a published author, so that was huge. I would have gotten a better grade, but I did it in my usual fashion and wrote it the night before it was due. Yeah. For some reason, that always leads to crappy endings. LOL You can tell how huge that was for me. I still remember it down to the last detail and it's almost 20 years later. It was at that point I realized I might be able to have my dream of becoming a published author. Then something happened....
I don't even know WHAT happened. Around that time, I left school and started working full time. I eventually got married and had my first child. Got a divorce. Worked some more, got remarried. I had two more children... Yeah, most people would say "life happened." However, is that a cop out?
I look back on those years I wrote without barely having to think about it and now I feel like there's a door slammed across that region of my mind where creativity resides. Well, story creativity anyway. I can still quilt and knit like no one's business. However, the work of getting a story idea out is difficult. Difficult doesn't even begin to sum it up. For the past 13 years, I've been using other people's ideas. Usually they're abandoned plot bunnies that someone else couldn't get to work or were given to me with the person's blessing.
If you're still with me in this long-drawn out story, I'll tell you what I learned yesterday. Life didn't happen. Writer's block happened. However, it wasn't your usual writer's block where you do everything in your power to keep from writing. Nope. I looked at the failures in the rest of my life and figured it would happen to my writing as well, so what's the point? BLAM! Your worst case scenario ever for writer's block. I shut the door on my writing creativity. Now, it's time to break that block and get going again.
Yesterday, I was out on the Writer's Digest website. I ended up in their store looking around. I was looking for writing prompts. I needed little ideas to help me focus on short stories and move on from there. Time to find out who I became in the last 3 years because I had serious upheaval in my life. It changed who I was and it changed my writing style. While I was browsing, I came across their sale on the "Creative Idea Kit." It's a set of books, webinars and writing prompts all designed to help you regain your creative side. Perfect! There's only one way to break through writer's block, and that is to write every single day. Whether you feel like it or not, WRITE! In my case, I take that to mean creative writing, not journaling or blogging. That's easy. No, I need the creative side, the side that makes me stretch my imagination and see all the possibilities.
I've pulled my first prompt and I'm excited to try this. Now to wait for my head to clear from the fogginess I always endure every morning from my meds. Then watch out. ;-)
I've been working on a novel out on Wattpad and I'm putting it up a chapter at a time. Yesterday, I had a friend "sit with me" via Facebook chat and tell me exactly what he thought of the book and where it was derailing. I LOVE friends like that. He does it in the sweetest way but gets in my face and says exactly what he thinks. Perhaps I'm developing a thicker skin. Or maybe it's because I knew it was going wonky and I couldn't figure out how, what, where and he pinpointed it for me. Either way! It worked.What is interesting is what that conversation sparked.
I started writing short stories and the like starting in 5th grade. I wrote all the time and I was always swamped with ideas. I still remember the last thing I wrote. I was 19 and had submitted a short story to my Science Fiction teacher based loosely off Neal Stephenson's "Snow Crash." I still remember that glowing feeling I had when I got the story back with an A- on it. My teacher was a published author, so that was huge. I would have gotten a better grade, but I did it in my usual fashion and wrote it the night before it was due. Yeah. For some reason, that always leads to crappy endings. LOL You can tell how huge that was for me. I still remember it down to the last detail and it's almost 20 years later. It was at that point I realized I might be able to have my dream of becoming a published author. Then something happened....
I don't even know WHAT happened. Around that time, I left school and started working full time. I eventually got married and had my first child. Got a divorce. Worked some more, got remarried. I had two more children... Yeah, most people would say "life happened." However, is that a cop out?
I look back on those years I wrote without barely having to think about it and now I feel like there's a door slammed across that region of my mind where creativity resides. Well, story creativity anyway. I can still quilt and knit like no one's business. However, the work of getting a story idea out is difficult. Difficult doesn't even begin to sum it up. For the past 13 years, I've been using other people's ideas. Usually they're abandoned plot bunnies that someone else couldn't get to work or were given to me with the person's blessing.
If you're still with me in this long-drawn out story, I'll tell you what I learned yesterday. Life didn't happen. Writer's block happened. However, it wasn't your usual writer's block where you do everything in your power to keep from writing. Nope. I looked at the failures in the rest of my life and figured it would happen to my writing as well, so what's the point? BLAM! Your worst case scenario ever for writer's block. I shut the door on my writing creativity. Now, it's time to break that block and get going again.
Yesterday, I was out on the Writer's Digest website. I ended up in their store looking around. I was looking for writing prompts. I needed little ideas to help me focus on short stories and move on from there. Time to find out who I became in the last 3 years because I had serious upheaval in my life. It changed who I was and it changed my writing style. While I was browsing, I came across their sale on the "Creative Idea Kit." It's a set of books, webinars and writing prompts all designed to help you regain your creative side. Perfect! There's only one way to break through writer's block, and that is to write every single day. Whether you feel like it or not, WRITE! In my case, I take that to mean creative writing, not journaling or blogging. That's easy. No, I need the creative side, the side that makes me stretch my imagination and see all the possibilities.
I've pulled my first prompt and I'm excited to try this. Now to wait for my head to clear from the fogginess I always endure every morning from my meds. Then watch out. ;-)
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