Okay, weird title for a blog post, but it has something to do with both writing and bipolar disorder. I was reading a book called "Write. 10 ways to overcome writer's block. Period." At the time I bought it, it sounded good. I remember setting it aside and thinking, "This is useless." I picked it up again tonight and realized why it was useless for someone like me.
Basically, it covers the fact that the right and left sides of the brain are completely different and influence different parts of our creative life. However, for someone with bipolar disorder, it doesn't work. Why? Because it doesn't take into account any kind of mental illness.
Flash back time! Of course, if you're bipolar, you have been your entire life. Psychologists have this eerie way of telling you what your life was like when you were in school. That particular doctor freaked me out so much I didn't go back to see her again. But I came to realize something this evening. While in school, I was fairly logical. Almost too logical for my own good. I realized it was my left brain trying to step in and help my right brain. The right side of our brains control our emotions. As those of us with bipolar disorder know, that side of our brain is completely haywire and out of control. So, when we're younger, our left sides of our brain step in and try to overcompensate. But when the illness fully manifests itself, the right side of our brain wins and that's the end of that.
However, I've always felt like I've had two very different voices in my head. And no, I'm not completely crazy here. I've come to realize it's my emotional side and my logical side "talking" to each other. The emotional side gets out of control and the logical side steps in to do damage control. I can see it happening in my journal entries right now. Of course I can't share one as they're incredibly personal at the moment. But I can see the emotional side of my mind is scared to death and is trying to hide and back away from something I need to do. Then, near the end of every entry, I can actually see the logical side of my mind step in and try to soothe the emotional side of my mind. In a way, it's kind of creepy.
This all goes back to why I believe bipolar people are more creative. That "bridge" between the hemispheres in the normal mind doesn't work like a two-way street. However, while we're growing up, that bridge literally does become a two-way street for those of us with bipolar disorder. It's necessary to keep us under control for as long as possible.
Another interesting tidbit is this. I'm practically ambidextrous. Not by nature, but by training. It started with typing, then progressed more through quilting and knitting. The final straw was my dominant right hand being put into a cast twice within the span of a year. I had no choice but to learn to use my left hand better to accomplish anything. In the process, I widened the bridge connecting the left and right side of my brain. So, when I tried the exercises in the book (she has you switch hands to answer various questions), I was getting the same answers. The left side and the right side of my brain communicate too much for her suggestions to work.
In its own way, that was enlightening. It explained why I'm having such a hard time writing at the moment. I suffered a fairly severe emotional trauma about 3 years ago. Since then, everything went wonky. That's the only way I can describe it. But now I know I can get the logical side of my brain to boost the emotional side to get it through this. I may never recover my writing style I had before that event, but I can sure take a good run at it and see what I have become during that time.
I know that waking up every morning is a challenge. There's that realization the day's battle is just beginning. At the end of the day, go to bed feeling grateful you made it through. We all have our problems and the things we're suffering through. But sometimes it's good to stop and take stock of what we have gained having this illness and do our best to not focus on what it has taken away. We are each different and unique, but we do have that bridge in our minds that allows both sides of the mind to talk to each other in ways others can only dream about. So embrace that knowledge and make the best of it.
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