Several years back, during my husband's first deployment to Afghanistan, I got sick. Labeling it as "sick" is such a weak word. I had 4 things go wrong all at once, with a huge fifth one hitting after my husband returned home. Before that time, I used to knit intricate lace shawls and wrote stories that had people begging to know what would happen next. Ever since that time, I've stopped. No more lace shawls. I'll still knit shawls with a touch of lace, but no more delicate creations that have people afraid to touch them. No more stories. I couldn't find the right words to string together any more.
I sat down last night and tried to analyze WHY this all happened. I blamed it on new medication. One of its side effects is it can stop you from finding the right word. How weird is that? However, it works so well otherwise, the doctor and I agreed it was worth the three main side effects I was having (word choice, some concentration, and insomnia) to remain on it. However, as I adapt to the side effects, I'm still not writing. Not like I used to. Even now, as I work on this simple little blog post, my leg is shaking with nervousness. Maybe it's just the fact I had too much caffeine. Over the years, I've weaned myself off of it. It helps with one of the problems I was having previously.
However, in looking at the problem real close last night, facing the dragon so to speak, I realized the only reason was completely irrational. I'm afraid if I go back to what I was doing, and put them back in that particular combination, my illnesses will return. That horrible 'fifth thing' will return. I realize I'm not going into detail on what the illnesses were, but that's okay. Sometimes there's no real need. Just know it caused family to come and stay with the kids and me until my husband returned home. I lost a year, literally, to anti-anxiety meds that eventually stripped me of all emotion until I grabbed that bull by the horns and took myself off them a day at a time. It took 2 months of hell to get those all the way out of my system.
Another year has passed since that time and I'm just now starting to put words back on paper. Only journal entries, but it's way more than I was doing before. Words that finally veer away from how I'm feeling to other ideas. The start to a book I've been wanting to re-write for years finally came into my head and I believe I have a viable idea. One that could take that book from, "It's okay," to "Wow! That's great!"
Somehow, someway, I'm healing. Maybe the Lord is helping me put my irrational fears to rest. Or maybe He's helping me face them. I still have no urge to return to knitting the intricate lace shawls. Maybe it's because I have so many I want to make that aren't that way. I don't know. But I do know I want to grab on to the urge to write and run with it. I want to make that a big part of my life again.
Words have power. Never forget that for a moment. And when put in the right order, they can be amazing. I want that back. Time to face my fears and prove I'm stronger than them. They will no longer hold me back from what I know I'm good at.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
I am an introvert
There, I said it. Then again, it's always been obvious to anyone who knows me. They know not to ask me to parties, I won't go. They can ask what book I just read or recommend a good movie. If I'm alone, I'm generally happy. I do like being around people some of the time, but do need time to recharge.
I've been playing with personality tests as of late. I've taken several to see if I get the same result and how the questions are structured, etc. Interestingly enough, all of the tests do it differently, but I get the same result every time. INFP. That just means I'm an introvert, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. Perceiving and Judgement vie for the upper hand, but perceiving gets it every time, just barely. I was probably INFJ before we joined the Army. But it took away my need to have every little thing planned out. Mainly because the Army laughs in the face of plans. I'll have grand plans for something and then BLAM! There's the phone call telling me hubby will be late coming home. Or he gets home and starts dragging out his gear bags, starts to pack, saying they're going out on a 2 week training mission. It's rather annoying. But it's something I've had to adapt to or go insane. I've learned to shrug my shoulders and come up with something else.
It's been fun and silly. But it has taught me a lot about myself. I also took a test in which you could guess at someone else's personality. I was aiming for my hubby's of course. That whole personality compatibility thing. Turns out we're an active pair. We stimulate each other to action, but we need a break from each other now and then. Well, the Army is good at that! We're not 100% compatible, but what couple is? He finds me a little up in the air as I'm "The Dreamer" while he's "The Duty Fulfiller." I've been told I'm slightly crazy and unpredictable. For someone who likes rules as much as he does, he probably finds it annoying. That's okay. The fact he shows almost no emotion gets to me, too. But I need his "thinking" to balance out my "feeling." Mine's a wee bit overdeveloped due to having bipolar disorder. It works for us. :-)
I used to write all the time. Something the personality profiles said I'd be "good at". No kidding! I know I was good at it. But something happened almost 2 years ago that I illogically linked with writing. Since that time, I haven't been able to work on anything to do with writing. At least nothing more strenuous than emails, texts, and board messages on Ravelry. I hope to find a way to revive my love of writing and unlink it from that something bad. Then maybe I can move forward again. It's been frustrating not having my writing, even something as simple as a blog post or a journal entry.
So wake up, fuzzy mind! It's time to get back to work! I am an introvert and I've been avoiding the biggest part of myself, which is time within my own mind. What happened had nothing to do with you and it's time to stop hiding. Let's dust out the cobwebs and see what we can find. This will be quite the adventure.
I've been playing with personality tests as of late. I've taken several to see if I get the same result and how the questions are structured, etc. Interestingly enough, all of the tests do it differently, but I get the same result every time. INFP. That just means I'm an introvert, intuitive, feeling, and perceiving. Perceiving and Judgement vie for the upper hand, but perceiving gets it every time, just barely. I was probably INFJ before we joined the Army. But it took away my need to have every little thing planned out. Mainly because the Army laughs in the face of plans. I'll have grand plans for something and then BLAM! There's the phone call telling me hubby will be late coming home. Or he gets home and starts dragging out his gear bags, starts to pack, saying they're going out on a 2 week training mission. It's rather annoying. But it's something I've had to adapt to or go insane. I've learned to shrug my shoulders and come up with something else.
It's been fun and silly. But it has taught me a lot about myself. I also took a test in which you could guess at someone else's personality. I was aiming for my hubby's of course. That whole personality compatibility thing. Turns out we're an active pair. We stimulate each other to action, but we need a break from each other now and then. Well, the Army is good at that! We're not 100% compatible, but what couple is? He finds me a little up in the air as I'm "The Dreamer" while he's "The Duty Fulfiller." I've been told I'm slightly crazy and unpredictable. For someone who likes rules as much as he does, he probably finds it annoying. That's okay. The fact he shows almost no emotion gets to me, too. But I need his "thinking" to balance out my "feeling." Mine's a wee bit overdeveloped due to having bipolar disorder. It works for us. :-)
I used to write all the time. Something the personality profiles said I'd be "good at". No kidding! I know I was good at it. But something happened almost 2 years ago that I illogically linked with writing. Since that time, I haven't been able to work on anything to do with writing. At least nothing more strenuous than emails, texts, and board messages on Ravelry. I hope to find a way to revive my love of writing and unlink it from that something bad. Then maybe I can move forward again. It's been frustrating not having my writing, even something as simple as a blog post or a journal entry.
So wake up, fuzzy mind! It's time to get back to work! I am an introvert and I've been avoiding the biggest part of myself, which is time within my own mind. What happened had nothing to do with you and it's time to stop hiding. Let's dust out the cobwebs and see what we can find. This will be quite the adventure.
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