Several years back, during my husband's first deployment to Afghanistan, I got sick. Labeling it as "sick" is such a weak word. I had 4 things go wrong all at once, with a huge fifth one hitting after my husband returned home. Before that time, I used to knit intricate lace shawls and wrote stories that had people begging to know what would happen next. Ever since that time, I've stopped. No more lace shawls. I'll still knit shawls with a touch of lace, but no more delicate creations that have people afraid to touch them. No more stories. I couldn't find the right words to string together any more.
I sat down last night and tried to analyze WHY this all happened. I blamed it on new medication. One of its side effects is it can stop you from finding the right word. How weird is that? However, it works so well otherwise, the doctor and I agreed it was worth the three main side effects I was having (word choice, some concentration, and insomnia) to remain on it. However, as I adapt to the side effects, I'm still not writing. Not like I used to. Even now, as I work on this simple little blog post, my leg is shaking with nervousness. Maybe it's just the fact I had too much caffeine. Over the years, I've weaned myself off of it. It helps with one of the problems I was having previously.
However, in looking at the problem real close last night, facing the dragon so to speak, I realized the only reason was completely irrational. I'm afraid if I go back to what I was doing, and put them back in that particular combination, my illnesses will return. That horrible 'fifth thing' will return. I realize I'm not going into detail on what the illnesses were, but that's okay. Sometimes there's no real need. Just know it caused family to come and stay with the kids and me until my husband returned home. I lost a year, literally, to anti-anxiety meds that eventually stripped me of all emotion until I grabbed that bull by the horns and took myself off them a day at a time. It took 2 months of hell to get those all the way out of my system.
Another year has passed since that time and I'm just now starting to put words back on paper. Only journal entries, but it's way more than I was doing before. Words that finally veer away from how I'm feeling to other ideas. The start to a book I've been wanting to re-write for years finally came into my head and I believe I have a viable idea. One that could take that book from, "It's okay," to "Wow! That's great!"
Somehow, someway, I'm healing. Maybe the Lord is helping me put my irrational fears to rest. Or maybe He's helping me face them. I still have no urge to return to knitting the intricate lace shawls. Maybe it's because I have so many I want to make that aren't that way. I don't know. But I do know I want to grab on to the urge to write and run with it. I want to make that a big part of my life again.
Words have power. Never forget that for a moment. And when put in the right order, they can be amazing. I want that back. Time to face my fears and prove I'm stronger than them. They will no longer hold me back from what I know I'm good at.
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