For ages, I thought I was supposed to try and use this blog to say something witty about writing. It wasn't until about 10 minutes ago I realized that wasn't what it was for at all. It was to reach out to others with bipolar disorder. Which is a good thing because I know next to nothing about writing, except I'm naturally good at it, and a lot about bipolar disorder.
My credentials? I was diagnosed when I was 18. Since then, I have faced the struggles, the denial, and the pain of watching a young child diagnosed with early-stage bipolar disorder. I have written numerous papers on this illness for college, all in an attempt to understand what is happening to me. After 20 years of struggling with this disorder, I feel I have the 'right' to say a few things about it.
Today, however, we're going to look at the correlation of bipolar disorder and creativity. Keep in mind these are all random connections I've made on my own through non-scientific research and observation.
Through my life, I've met a lot of people with bipolar disorder. We're a quiet group and rarely like to speak about it. So, it has become a disorder that affects millions of people and little is known about it. It's tough on our loved ones and those near us. Our mood swings affect everything around us and especially what we do. What I have found interesting is bipolar people tend to be some of the most creative people I've ever met. Depending on the severity of the illness, the creativity levels seem to wax and wane.
Those with a low level of disability (able to control it without medication), seem to be slightly creative. A single outlet of creativity is all they need. One lady I met was happy with beading now and then. She was also a hair stylist, so I'm guessing that's where she poured out most of her creativity. She certainly was excellent at what she did.
As the level of the disorder increases, so does the need to create. Some of the most brilliant composers, painters, and writers in our history have since been diagnosed posthumously with bipolar disorder. Greats such as Beethoven, Edgar Allan Poe, and Vincent Van Gogh. Their battles with drinking and drug use are well-known in history. However, we know now many bipolar people will attempt to medicate themselves in such ways. I met another girl, in a psych ward, who was bipolar. She gloated how she never took her meds but preferred alcohol to try and keep it under control.
"How does this work?" you might ask. I haven't the slightest idea. We do know that bipolar disorder is caused by our neurons releasing chemicals and then turning around and taking them back. The chemical never crosses the gap to the synapses waiting for them. That is what the medication is trying to fix. It stops those neurons from taking back the chemicals. I believe, somewhere in the wiring of our brain, we have an exceptional gift. Somehow, our right and left hemispheres of our minds are connected in a way other "normal" brains are not. We have access to the creative side we can tap into. Heck, many of us are driven to do it.
My drive to create takes on many shapes. I write, knit, quilt, draw, paint, play music... Anything it takes to soothe the desire to create I have driving me at that moment. And it is a drive. I will forget my housework, laundry, anything and everything to create. I set alarms so I don't forget the super important things, like picking up my children from school.
Bipolar disorder is a difficult one to deal with. From the medications we have to take every day to even function in society, to trying to curb impulses we know to be bad for us. However, that drive to create is an incredible one. It's one that needs to be embraced and acted upon. It helps and fulfills us like nothing else can. It's a safe way to express yourself and soothe a part of us no one can ever understand.
Many of you may already know what you enjoy doing the most. It's what you sneak time into your day to do already. But don't hide what you do. Embrace it and push yourself further than you ever thought possible. For once, use this illness to propel you to do great things instead of letting it hold you to the ground.
Creativity is a grand thing. Don't let this gift you've been given slip through your fingers. Bipolar disorder is difficult to live with. It limits us in so many ways, no matter how hard we try to fight it. So this one little gift is a beautiful thing. Grab a hold and run with it.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
There's writing and then there's writing
There are days when all you can do is think about writing and then there are days all you can do is actually write. My mind refused to turn off the book yesterday and my hand went merrily along for the ride. I did end up having to ice my wrist mid-way through and take a 3 hour break, but that didn't stop me. I wrote another 2 pages (one side of a hand written page = 1 page) before I finally managed to get myself to bed.
I am super excited by that. What does it sound like? I have no clue. I haven't even taken the time yet to go back and read it and probably won't until that chapter is finished and ready to be typed into the computer. I don't want to let out my internal editor quite yet. I don't want to face those nasty words that come flowing out. Things like, "Well, this wording stinks." "What the heck were you thinking here?!" "This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever." Then the pen starts flying and hacking and slashing at all the beautiful words and killing them. When the editor comes out to play, the creator runs to hide.
That is what NaNo taught me in 2009. Lock up that internal editor until later. For now, let your creative side out to play and let it have fun! Enjoy the process of getting the words out on the paper and go with it. I'm not playing by strict NaNo 'rules' this year. My editor does come out sometimes and whispers, "That's not the right word, wouldn't this one be better?" Usually my creative side will snag it, yell "Thanks" over its shoulder and keep dashing along. In my opinion, this is what the writing process should be.
I do wish it was always that easy. The thoughts would just flow and not stop, my hand struggling to stay caught up as it dashes along. One beautiful word after another written across the page. Unfortunately, I know it's not. There will be days where my mind will sit in the corner and pout. Days where it will be agonizing to write even a single word.
I will learn. I will be disciplined. Yesterday was an amazing gift of pure creativity. I will embrace that gift and run with it. Even when the words don't want to come, those first 12 pages will serve as a reminder that it comes and goes. Power through the day they don't want to come because tomorrow is another day and the words might write themselves.
Today, it's Thanksgiving here in the U.S. I'm already planning some writing time along with making a traditional meal for my family. I'm fairly certain it can be done. :-)
(And if nothing here made sense, I apologize. I had two boys running through the house the entire time I was writing this. Talk about making life difficult!)
I am super excited by that. What does it sound like? I have no clue. I haven't even taken the time yet to go back and read it and probably won't until that chapter is finished and ready to be typed into the computer. I don't want to let out my internal editor quite yet. I don't want to face those nasty words that come flowing out. Things like, "Well, this wording stinks." "What the heck were you thinking here?!" "This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever." Then the pen starts flying and hacking and slashing at all the beautiful words and killing them. When the editor comes out to play, the creator runs to hide.
That is what NaNo taught me in 2009. Lock up that internal editor until later. For now, let your creative side out to play and let it have fun! Enjoy the process of getting the words out on the paper and go with it. I'm not playing by strict NaNo 'rules' this year. My editor does come out sometimes and whispers, "That's not the right word, wouldn't this one be better?" Usually my creative side will snag it, yell "Thanks" over its shoulder and keep dashing along. In my opinion, this is what the writing process should be.
I do wish it was always that easy. The thoughts would just flow and not stop, my hand struggling to stay caught up as it dashes along. One beautiful word after another written across the page. Unfortunately, I know it's not. There will be days where my mind will sit in the corner and pout. Days where it will be agonizing to write even a single word.
I will learn. I will be disciplined. Yesterday was an amazing gift of pure creativity. I will embrace that gift and run with it. Even when the words don't want to come, those first 12 pages will serve as a reminder that it comes and goes. Power through the day they don't want to come because tomorrow is another day and the words might write themselves.
Today, it's Thanksgiving here in the U.S. I'm already planning some writing time along with making a traditional meal for my family. I'm fairly certain it can be done. :-)
(And if nothing here made sense, I apologize. I had two boys running through the house the entire time I was writing this. Talk about making life difficult!)
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Promises and Writing
Okay. So, the first chapter didn't actually get posted this weekend. I was working on it yesterday and re-read it and realized something horrible. It was DEAD. It was BORING. Keep in mind I have part of a rough draft over on my shelf that has me thinking, "Wow! I wrote that?! I love it!" THAT is what I'm trying to recapture.
After thinking about it for awhile, and lamenting about my sucky writing on Facebook, I realized something important. Whenever I leave writing behind for awhile, and not blog posts or anything like that, but fictional writing, I lose my voice. I honestly forget how I write and how I want it to sound and what makes it mine. I pondered it for awhile, pictured the first chapter in my head and how I wanted the first part to be captured and started the rewrite (for the third time) last night. I sure hope it's getting out on paper the way I'm seeing it in my head.
I was going to abandon the handwriting model I've used for so long in order to get a freer thought process going on that I can get with typing, but decided I'd just end up with more ick that way. However, escaping the internet that sits right next to me, lurking in a black box I call my computer, is rough. It takes a lot of will power to stay away from it.
I'm sitting here pondering how to fit in writing with all of my other duties. You know, fun stuff like laundry, keeping the house clean, feeding kids and the like. One day, I'll figure this out. It's always been a struggle for me to balance that out with whatever 'hobby' I'm doing at the time. I can tell you now though, writing is a much more involved process than the other things I do. With quilting, knitting, or crochet, I can easily watch a show or movie or listen to music without any problems. With writing, I have to listen to a very specific type of music and have to block most other background noise out.
Yes, writing is probably the most difficult thing I do, especially now. I have bipolar disorder and it went wonky within the past few years. That meant a year-long struggle with my doctor to find the right medication to balance me back out. Unfortunately, that new medication also hampers concentration and the ability to find the right word. Until this year, I'd put away my writing. I haven't touched it, thought about it much, nothing. Only, I felt the presence of God telling me to write. That's all, just write. It is my strongest skill of all my 'creation' skills. So after hem-hawing my way to now, I've only poked at it and talked about it. In a way, I'm still doing that. I'm still afraid of my pen and paper. I'm scared I have no unique ideas. Everything I have up in the air right now are ideas given to me by other people. I'm using them with their blessing, of course! I'd never steal someone else's idea without permission.
Right about now is when I start getting nostalgic and think back to when I was a kid. I had SO many stories floating in my head all the time. I did up until I was 18 or 19 anyway. About the time I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Weird, I never drew that connection before. At the same time I had to go on medication to help keep me balanced, the creative door in my head slammed shut. Or at least closed to the merest gap.
However, that means ... I was going to say nothing, but that's not true. It means a lot. It means, to succeed with this, I will have to try harder. There's a barrier there I will have to work to cross. My ideas may never be more than the trickle they are right now, but I will find a way to work with that and keep going. Going off my medication isn't an option, so another path has to be found and forged. I have a feeling this is about to become a rather frustrating and tiring experience. But there's no better time than now to get started, right?
After thinking about it for awhile, and lamenting about my sucky writing on Facebook, I realized something important. Whenever I leave writing behind for awhile, and not blog posts or anything like that, but fictional writing, I lose my voice. I honestly forget how I write and how I want it to sound and what makes it mine. I pondered it for awhile, pictured the first chapter in my head and how I wanted the first part to be captured and started the rewrite (for the third time) last night. I sure hope it's getting out on paper the way I'm seeing it in my head.
I was going to abandon the handwriting model I've used for so long in order to get a freer thought process going on that I can get with typing, but decided I'd just end up with more ick that way. However, escaping the internet that sits right next to me, lurking in a black box I call my computer, is rough. It takes a lot of will power to stay away from it.
I'm sitting here pondering how to fit in writing with all of my other duties. You know, fun stuff like laundry, keeping the house clean, feeding kids and the like. One day, I'll figure this out. It's always been a struggle for me to balance that out with whatever 'hobby' I'm doing at the time. I can tell you now though, writing is a much more involved process than the other things I do. With quilting, knitting, or crochet, I can easily watch a show or movie or listen to music without any problems. With writing, I have to listen to a very specific type of music and have to block most other background noise out.
Yes, writing is probably the most difficult thing I do, especially now. I have bipolar disorder and it went wonky within the past few years. That meant a year-long struggle with my doctor to find the right medication to balance me back out. Unfortunately, that new medication also hampers concentration and the ability to find the right word. Until this year, I'd put away my writing. I haven't touched it, thought about it much, nothing. Only, I felt the presence of God telling me to write. That's all, just write. It is my strongest skill of all my 'creation' skills. So after hem-hawing my way to now, I've only poked at it and talked about it. In a way, I'm still doing that. I'm still afraid of my pen and paper. I'm scared I have no unique ideas. Everything I have up in the air right now are ideas given to me by other people. I'm using them with their blessing, of course! I'd never steal someone else's idea without permission.
Right about now is when I start getting nostalgic and think back to when I was a kid. I had SO many stories floating in my head all the time. I did up until I was 18 or 19 anyway. About the time I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Weird, I never drew that connection before. At the same time I had to go on medication to help keep me balanced, the creative door in my head slammed shut. Or at least closed to the merest gap.
However, that means ... I was going to say nothing, but that's not true. It means a lot. It means, to succeed with this, I will have to try harder. There's a barrier there I will have to work to cross. My ideas may never be more than the trickle they are right now, but I will find a way to work with that and keep going. Going off my medication isn't an option, so another path has to be found and forged. I have a feeling this is about to become a rather frustrating and tiring experience. But there's no better time than now to get started, right?
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Actually Writing This Time
I read my last blog post and had to laugh. I remember that day quite well because that's exactly how it went. Since then, we moved half way across the country and NaNoWriMo started. That's National Novel Writing Month where people attempt to write 50,000 words in a single month. I've tried it several times, but only won once. However, when other people are talking about writing, it always triggers my desire to write again. Always. Only, this time, I decided NOT to do NaNo, but just write on whatever I felt like without the pressure of the 50K winning mark. I figured any words I got onto paper was a win. Besides, we'd just moved and I had 3 kids to get into school, 2 to be tested, 1 to start getting to an orthodontist which lead to an oral surgeon and.... Yeah. Life is hectic and I just didn't want the stress of NaNo added to it.
Somewhere in the world of NaNo posts on my Facebook page, someone mentioned Wattpad. Look it up. It's awesome! I decided to take the plunge and post a serial myself. It's called The Dark Rider. So far, I only have the prologue up because I realized I had literally edited the first chapter to death back when I started it in 2008. That's why winning NaNo in 2009 was such a big deal. I could NOT get past 2 pages in a new story without killing it with edits. I have since learned that you just WRITE. You edit later. But get the idea out now. The complete idea. Anyway! I have since been struggling with writing the first chapter to get it ready to be posted. Unfortunately, the above life got in the way.
To make things more exciting, we were informed one of our kids basically tested out of their school system. Keep in mind he's only 11 at the moment. I knew he was bored, but wow. So we're now working out what to do with "genius boy." We'll get there. For now, I'm back in my chair and writing. Okay, I'm blogging at the moment, but I'll get back to writing.
You see, when I write a book, I write by hand. That might be insane considering I type upwards of 80+ wpm, but what the heck? All that allows me to do is put more junk down faster. When I write by hand, I have to streamline my thought process and make sure each word is right when I put it down. I end up having to edit way less later. That's always a good thing. :-)
I had written a full page, front and back, when my youngest decided to pitch a fit over his turn on the Xbox, I think. All I know is it broke my train of concentration. I'll get it back though. I'm bound and determined to post that 1st chapter this weekend. I WILL do it!
Somewhere in the world of NaNo posts on my Facebook page, someone mentioned Wattpad. Look it up. It's awesome! I decided to take the plunge and post a serial myself. It's called The Dark Rider. So far, I only have the prologue up because I realized I had literally edited the first chapter to death back when I started it in 2008. That's why winning NaNo in 2009 was such a big deal. I could NOT get past 2 pages in a new story without killing it with edits. I have since learned that you just WRITE. You edit later. But get the idea out now. The complete idea. Anyway! I have since been struggling with writing the first chapter to get it ready to be posted. Unfortunately, the above life got in the way.
To make things more exciting, we were informed one of our kids basically tested out of their school system. Keep in mind he's only 11 at the moment. I knew he was bored, but wow. So we're now working out what to do with "genius boy." We'll get there. For now, I'm back in my chair and writing. Okay, I'm blogging at the moment, but I'll get back to writing.
You see, when I write a book, I write by hand. That might be insane considering I type upwards of 80+ wpm, but what the heck? All that allows me to do is put more junk down faster. When I write by hand, I have to streamline my thought process and make sure each word is right when I put it down. I end up having to edit way less later. That's always a good thing. :-)
I had written a full page, front and back, when my youngest decided to pitch a fit over his turn on the Xbox, I think. All I know is it broke my train of concentration. I'll get it back though. I'm bound and determined to post that 1st chapter this weekend. I WILL do it!
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