Okay. So, the first chapter didn't actually get posted this weekend. I was working on it yesterday and re-read it and realized something horrible. It was DEAD. It was BORING. Keep in mind I have part of a rough draft over on my shelf that has me thinking, "Wow! I wrote that?! I love it!" THAT is what I'm trying to recapture.
After thinking about it for awhile, and lamenting about my sucky writing on Facebook, I realized something important. Whenever I leave writing behind for awhile, and not blog posts or anything like that, but fictional writing, I lose my voice. I honestly forget how I write and how I want it to sound and what makes it mine. I pondered it for awhile, pictured the first chapter in my head and how I wanted the first part to be captured and started the rewrite (for the third time) last night. I sure hope it's getting out on paper the way I'm seeing it in my head.
I was going to abandon the handwriting model I've used for so long in order to get a freer thought process going on that I can get with typing, but decided I'd just end up with more ick that way. However, escaping the internet that sits right next to me, lurking in a black box I call my computer, is rough. It takes a lot of will power to stay away from it.
I'm sitting here pondering how to fit in writing with all of my other duties. You know, fun stuff like laundry, keeping the house clean, feeding kids and the like. One day, I'll figure this out. It's always been a struggle for me to balance that out with whatever 'hobby' I'm doing at the time. I can tell you now though, writing is a much more involved process than the other things I do. With quilting, knitting, or crochet, I can easily watch a show or movie or listen to music without any problems. With writing, I have to listen to a very specific type of music and have to block most other background noise out.
Yes, writing is probably the most difficult thing I do, especially now. I have bipolar disorder and it went wonky within the past few years. That meant a year-long struggle with my doctor to find the right medication to balance me back out. Unfortunately, that new medication also hampers concentration and the ability to find the right word. Until this year, I'd put away my writing. I haven't touched it, thought about it much, nothing. Only, I felt the presence of God telling me to write. That's all, just write. It is my strongest skill of all my 'creation' skills. So after hem-hawing my way to now, I've only poked at it and talked about it. In a way, I'm still doing that. I'm still afraid of my pen and paper. I'm scared I have no unique ideas. Everything I have up in the air right now are ideas given to me by other people. I'm using them with their blessing, of course! I'd never steal someone else's idea without permission.
Right about now is when I start getting nostalgic and think back to when I was a kid. I had SO many stories floating in my head all the time. I did up until I was 18 or 19 anyway. About the time I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Weird, I never drew that connection before. At the same time I had to go on medication to help keep me balanced, the creative door in my head slammed shut. Or at least closed to the merest gap.
However, that means ... I was going to say nothing, but that's not true. It means a lot. It means, to succeed with this, I will have to try harder. There's a barrier there I will have to work to cross. My ideas may never be more than the trickle they are right now, but I will find a way to work with that and keep going. Going off my medication isn't an option, so another path has to be found and forged. I have a feeling this is about to become a rather frustrating and tiring experience. But there's no better time than now to get started, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment